Wednesday, 4 November 2015

The One With Alice In Wonderland Bones In Sunderland (19 months + 24 days)

'Who are you?' said the Caterpillar. 
This was not an encouraging opening for a conversation. Alice replied, rather shyly, 'I - I hardly know, sir, just at present - at least I know who I was when I got up this morning, but I think I must have been changed several times since then.'

So, it's 150 years since Alice in Wonderland was first published. Which means that everywhere in the country is sticking their hands up in the air and shouting "Look! Look at us! We had something to do with the book! Quick! Over here!"

And in a wonderfully cliche type thingamabob ("look me so good at writing"), I am also doing an Alice-inspired entry. 

I last left with the promise of a second post 24 hours later. I didn't deliver. Why didn't I deliver? I've been busy. I'm always busy. But- spoiler alert- the general theme was going to be a mini-rant about work. I'm not going to bore you with that. Because.... well, I've forgotten my target audience, haven't I? Piglet, you are my target audience. You're who I'm writing for. And I'm pretty sure you don't want to hear about how work is massively taking the piss out of mummy do you? (initially had a minor moan about certain incidents that had occurred here, then edited them out *just* incase anyone stumbles across this)

The situation is slowly rectifying itself. It is still far from perfect. That is the understatement of the century. But whatever.

What has happened over the past 3 months, 6 months, maybe even as long as 9 months is that I have slowly been broken down, Piglet. I have gone from believing that anything was possible; that we could beat the odds; that we could have it all. I was not arrogant- I was confident. And I enjoyed being confident. Do you know why I was confident, Piglet? It was you. You gave me confidence. You were the reason I had to be assertive. You were what I was fighting for. 

And without realising it, I lost you. I had other commitments. Some seemed worthwhile at the time (hello shitty degree), whilst others are just hideous things I have to endure (bonjour wanker work). I knew who I was when I started these endeavors. I knew who you were when we started. And currently I feel like I don't know either of us anymore. I have become weak. And sad. So painfully sad. You are happy, when I get the chance to see you. And I am at least glad for that. Although incredibly jealous and bitter that it is not me that is making you happy. 

I'm not a mum right now. I'm not even me right now. I don't recognise myself. I guess you could argue that the fact that I've opened my eyes and realised this is a huge revelation in itself though? Which is a positive. I think. 

NNB is still around. You are a big big big fan of NNB, Piggly. Big fan. Which is wonderful for you. I am very grateful for this. NNB is wonderful. I feel dependent though. Which I don't like. Really don't like it. Struggling with it a lot. Struggling with feeling like a housewife mother who just works in a pub then goes to college and pretends to be 17 again. This really isn't where I expected to be right now.

We went and saw NNB's family over the weekend, which was lovely, as always, but also painful. It made me realise that I miss my family. Maybe we could go and see them? But then trying to work out days that we're free, and I'm not working, and he's not working and...nothing was rectified. Discussions about Christmas have been brought up. He wants Christmas with his parents. I may have to work on Christmas Day. And given the option, I would rather see my parents on Christmas day (it is my mothers birthday aswell, after all). 

If they make me work on Christmas day, I may spit in everyone's food. 

So, basically Piglet, Mummy feels a bit shit again right now. Mummy is a mess. Mummy's life looks wonderful on the outside, smiley smiley happy happy faces. And it is, I think. I'm just bored, Piglet. And I miss you. Mummy can feel her brain leaking out of her ears every time she says the phrase "chips or curly fries?"

Seriously, I hate my job so much. SO much. So so much. 

I suppose the problem is Piglet that I invested so much into our old plan and I haven't really had chance to think up a new one. No. That's probably not right. I hadn't expected to have to plan with someone else.

Today, Piglet said a new word. Ready for it? Piglet, you said: "Xbox".

I am not joking. You are spending far too much time with NNB.

I have an interview for a new job on the 24th November. It is menial brain-melting work again but it's two night shifts a week which means that I get more chance to see my Piggly. Also, at present I am borderline nocturnal so... can at least put that to good use.

Still doesn't solve the real problem though does it:

"Would you tell me, please, which way I ought to go from here?"
"That depends a good deal on where you want to get to", said the Cat.
"I don't much care where I- ", said Alice.
"Then it doesn't matter which way you go", said the Cat. 

I don't have a bloody clue where I want to go.

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