Friday, 10 June 2016

The One With The Plagues of Egypt (26 months + 30 days)

See, this is what happens when I don't work... I go from writing once a month to almost once a week (never thought I'd be posting anything with a biblical title though).

I'm going to start this one off by being very vague, which as anyone will tell you is always THE BEST way to engage people (not). If I believed in karma, I would definitely think that I was getting what I deserved. On some level. On another level, I don't believe that I deserve any of this at all, and that what I did was what I wanted at the time, and my actions were (semi-) justifiable. I did something that at best can be described as grey. Very grey. Probably a darker tone of grey, verging towards black, but still within the spectrum of shade that is considered to be grey. I'm sorry, I really can't be more specific because my mother would kill me. And I'm just not ready to talk about it yet (cheeky #flashbackFriday right there).

Anyway, I'm currently experiencing a series of plagues. Which I can only conclude must be because of the aforementioned grey behaviour. Let me tell you about my plagues:

1. The Plague of The Mushrooms

2. The Plague of The Slugs
Both The Plagues of The Mushrooms and The Slugs have been well-documented in previous posts ("First came the mushrooms; dirty fungal trees of death. Then, there were the slugs; slimy molluscs of doom") I'm not going to elaborate on either of these plagues any further because: a) you already know the deal, and b) I never want to think of slugs or mushrooms in my life ever again.

3. The Plague of The Exploding Appliances
So, our kettle exploded the other morning. Which was fun... I'd turned it on, left the room, and the next thing I hear is a massive bang; kettle is on the floor, boiling water everywhere. Thankfully, Piglet was nowhere near the kitchen when this occurred. I have no idea what happened to it. I just had a possessed kettle. Which is fine, I guess... (Had to boil water for coffees in pan on the hob for a few days though because some idiot kept forgetting that we needed to buy a new kettle whenever we went out...) Also the oven refused to work. But I managed to "fix" that because I'm such an independent living Goddess (note- I have no idea how I fixed the oven. I don't even think that I fixed the oven- it just decided to work one day. It smoked a lot. But it was semi-functional, so it's all gravy here).

4. The Plague of The Interior Designer/Tattoo Artist
Piglet likes colouring, Piglet likes painting. Piglet is a very creative tiny person. I like this. I have the creativity of a fish- I am not creative in the slightest (like, push come to shove, I can probably match something an 8 year old could do- so if you EVER hear me say that I'm going to do ANYTHING remotely arty- just shut me down. Leave me 30000 comments saying NO NO NO NO NO NO NO. Seriously, it's for my own good). So, we have lots of crafty things in the house like paints and crayons and felt-tips and things, to encourage this creativity and allow her inner Van Gogh/ Picasso/ Dali/ Warhol to blossom.

Being a "responsible parent" (ha ha ha) however, I also bought those magic pens that only draw on paper? Do you know the ones I mean? They're amazing. And it means no mess! Genius pens! Literally the best invention ever. Piglet is...less keen on them than I, shall we say. Anyway, one day we were having our afternoon nap (naps are for grown-ups too) when one of us decided to wake up early. And one of us apparently had a secret stash of pens (this is something that Piglet is becoming notorious for- at nursery, they used to take her dummy away from her, and she would later emerge with four new dummies- she calls them "diddies"- that she'd kept hidden away for emergencies). And when I awoke from our afternoon nap, I was met with this:





We've discussed the incident and she explained that the issue is she's more Banksy- the paper limits her soul.

5. The Plague of The Floor Shreddies/ Beads/ Glitter/ Pom Poms
There is always stuff on the floor. I hoover 16 times a day, and yet things still appear on the floor. Mushy shreddies? Check. Various arts and crafts items that Mini Banksy has been playing with? Check. The occasional rogue dead slug? Triple check. HOW IS THERE STILL STUFF ON THE FLOOR WHEN I HAVE HOOVERED IT UP? WHERE IS IT ALL COMING FROM? ARE THE SHREDDIES BREEDING? IS IT A HUGE CONSPIRACY THAT SHREDDIES ARE ACTUALLY TINY ORGANISMS AND ARE PROCREATING ON MY FLOOR?????? Don't even get me started on the beads. Bloody beads. At this point in time, I wouldn't be surprised if I started sneezing beads.

6. The Plague of The Torn Meniscus
I REALLY HURT MY KNEE. Have I mentioned that I hurt my knee? I think I did... The week after the London marathon, I did a half-marathon up here in Sunderland (wise move, knobhead) and four miles in, I started having serious, serious issues with my quad and my knee. But I carried on because you know, death before failure and all that. That's how we live. Fucking agony though. Couldn't walk afterwards. Thought it was a tight IT band because I'm not so great at stretching and stuff (I would class my flexibility as non-existent). So lots of stretching, foam rolling etc etc. Thought it was fine...and then it wasn't. It really wasn't. The majority of races that I did after then I had a lot of pain, with no consistency as to when it would set in- sometimes it was after 4km, sometimes 8km, in one, it was after 1km which was horrendous.

So, I was a responsible person (I do lots of responsible things now that I am a strong independent woman again), and went to see a physio just to see what they said about the whole thing. She agreed with the tight IT band. BUT she said I had also torn my meniscus slightly, which was resulting in the knee pain and is a pretty big thing. I wasn't allowed to run for two weeks, to allow it to heal, and to prevent any further injury (if you end up with a serious tear it's knee surgery which is not on my bucket list, thank you very much). This Sunday is going to be the end of those two weeks. And I have a half-marathon. I'm very excited. Also petrified. But seriously, not running has been driving me CRAZY.

7. The Plague of Ginger
You may have noticed that we've had some minor life changes recently (i.e. we've been totally fucked over), and haven't been able to physically run to deal with them, so as always, I went for the stereotypical response to change, by bleaching my hair. Result? 50 shades of orange. Took me two weeks to tone it to something that vaguely resembles blonde (it could be argued that it borders on yellow- but yellow is still technically blonde).

8. The Plague of Sadness
Ok, so this one is a little more serious, and less tongue-in-cheek than the others. I would say that overall I am fine with everything that has happened. I believe that it is all for the best. I am probably happier in myself. Yes, moving forward, everything is going to be more challenging, and difficult, and a battle, BUT I like that. Because... I'm weird. However, I am sad. I am not sad that NNB left. I am not sad because my "worst fear" in terms of my current circumstances has been realised. I am sad for three people. Because there are three people in this scenario who have had no say in what happened, and have been true "victims", if you wish to label them as that.

First and foremost is obviously Piglet. Piglet has lost somebody who was very present in her life. Piglet has undergone masses of change again. I think she is fine, and I think she will be fine, but I don't know. I don't know if she misses him. I do know that she misses the cat. But the other two people who I feel incredibly sad for are NNB's parents. Here were two people who invested a lot of love into Piglet, who to all intents and purposes were pseudo-grandparents, and who are now unlikely to see her again. And that is painful. Piglet was as fond of them as they were of her, so to have that just cut off is...upsetting. Very upsetting.

Honestly, he's such a wanker.

9. The Plague of Salmonellosis 
Swiftly moving on- before the rage monster gets the better of me- to something far far far more cheery- FOOD POISONING! I have had food poisoning for the past four days. Which I believe was from some out-of-date chicken that was living in my fridge. Now, I don't know if something had touched the chicken, or if I didn't wash my hands enough after throwing the chicken away, or if salmonella can just grow wings and fly into you, but I can tell you that I've been very ill. Very, very, seriously ill. I could not move without being sick. I've been in a lot of pain. And it's just been me and Piglet. It was very, very hard, and very, very sad.

Piglet has been fine, thankfully, but also because she's been fine, she's been wild. So, our flat currently resembles the aftermath of Chernobyl. Piglet has also been living on take-aways and chocolate for the past three days because I haven't been able to move. To be honest, I think she's quite enjoyed it. We're at the point now where if somebody knocks on the door, she thinks it's food and gets very excited.

I'm making light of the situation. It's been really rubbish. Yesterday she tried to get the pushchair out because she wanted to go outside and I started crying and explained that mummy was poorly, and we couldn't go out because mummy would be sick on people, and mummy is a rubbish mummy. And do you know what she did? She gave me a hug, and picked up the post that she had thrown on the floor earlier in the day. Because she is ADORABLE. It's made me very aware of how isolated I am once again. And that when situations like this arise, it is incredibly difficult now that it is only the two of us.

I think I'm now 85% back to normal. If you'd asked me last night (after copious amounts of pepto-bismol) I would have told you that I was ready to rule the world, but this morning I'm still in quite a bit of pain. So, to conclude my review of salmonellosis, I've lost 5 stone in the past 4 days. As a weight-loss method, I would say that contracting salmonella is certainly highly effective, but would advise anybody looking at going down this route that it is very unpleasant. And not pretty at all. Side effects include: you're really really gross, and your house will be falling apart by the time you recover.

10. The Plague of Insanity
Evidently, as a response to all the plagues that we have endured over the past couple of weeks, we've lost our minds. and have been committed to a mental asylum. No, not really. I'm doing Insanity. I'm doing Insanity because I haven't been able to run. So far, I've completed one week, but have had to take a couple of days off because of Plague Number 9 (luckily, the first day of illness coincided with a rest day so I was pretty buzzing about that- always looking at the positives!).

I really like Insanity. I never thought I would say that. I tried to do it shortly after Piglet was born, and I don't think I even made it through the first day. It's hard. But it's so good. It hurts a lot. But it works- certainly it terms of fitness. That was my main reason for starting it- I didn't want to lose any of my cardiovascular fitness from not being able to run- I wanted to maintain it. The reason I've been "banned" from running is that I could twist my knee when I was doing it, from either corners, or trying to avoid something on the floor, or even just like uneven ground  and that could cause the tear to get worse. As long as my knee is straight, I can continue to exercise (although maybe you could argue that Insanity is a bit too high intensity...). I will let you all know how I get on. Eight more weeks to go! (Why is this even a goal that I've set myself, what is wrong with me?)


So, now that we've encountered all our plagues, I'm really hoping that our fortunes are turning a corner. Hoping for a sub-2 hour half-marathon at the weekend (preferably without vomiting on anyone aswell), so fingers crossed, that happens.

Just as a quick end-note, I'm doing the Great North Run in September, and I will be running for Scope. I need to raise a minimum of £250 to run, so all donations will be greatly appreciated- I will be writing a more in-depth post regarding this soon, all about what they do, and the things that your contributions would be helping them achieve. This is my one fundraising run this year, so I'm really hoping to make it a big one, with your help. Anybody wanting to donate, can do so via my (very, very, very in-progress) JustGiving page here. Piglet will not be running this one, as she's not allowed (sad face) but she will be cheering from the sidelines (probably with her own homemade bead covered banner).

And finally, (promise this is actually finally this time), a lot of you know where we came from, a lot of you don't. Our original blog will be closing soon, however, I am currently looking at publishing it as an e-book, and it would be available on the kindle store. Let me know your thoughts on this...maybe? Is this a good idea? Would anyone be interested? Am I delusional? All of the above?

BIG LOVE from the two of us. We'll speak to you all soon xxxxxxx

OH, and remember:





1 comment:

  1. Yes do go for the ebook, your writing is so brilliant and captivating I am sure it would do well. Do it.

    KJ

    ReplyDelete