Wednesday, 8 November 2017

The One Where I Have a Test in 12 Hours (43 months + 28 days)

'Sup. It's been a while.

In case the title didn't give it away enough, I have an organic chemistry test in 12 hours. I should probably be revising. But I'm not right now because:

a) I am exhausted (see below)
b) I am freezing (see below)
c) I received some shocking news that I need to write about (see immediately below)

NNB and I (who are now living together officially fyi, although this is not going to be for very much longer- see below) had an appointment at (new) nursery this evening which we were told was related to her speech. It wasn't related to her speech- well, it was in part, but that wasn't the main issue. The main issue was her behaviour. Piglet has been pushing other children over. Piglet has been hitting other children. Unprovoked (although, would it really be better if it was provoked? Like, she shouldn't be hitting. Full stop. Can't really justify it).

I was shocked. And I was embarrassed. And I should be, because I had no idea. And this has never previously been an issue, so I didn't understand. Nursery said they were working on some behavioural techniques to quell the issue so that she didn't start school with a "bad reputation". This whole situation is just totally alien to me; I was a very well behaved child so I have no idea about this. I just don't (writing is rubbish because I haven't done it for so long and my brain is full lalalalalalalalalaaaaaaaaa).

They asked what we did at home when she misbehaved. And my response? I was honest- I don't see her anymore; NNB, you'll have to take this one.

Noticed the connection yet? I did. Straight away. They said it could potentially a cause but it was probably a mixture of many different factors and I shouldn't feel guilty about it. But, come on. Child not getting attention from parent; child misbehaves to get attention from other sources. Pretty basic psychology there, am I right?

Why do I no longer see my child? Well, because we've moved in with NNB, I am no longer entitled to anything. Which means I have to work more. I have to 25 hours a week to break even. I am not even working to give us a better life, or more paw patrols, I am literally working to stay afloat. I also have uni, obviously. I have 50 credits this semester; 50 credits equates to 500 hours of work (be that structured, assignments or additional reading). So. My average working week is 75 hours. I have had 3 days in the past 6 weeks where I haven't had work or uni. My next day off is in 3 weeks. I'm killing myself. I'm dying. It's shit.

But, all this might be worth it if everything is wonderful at home right? Are you excited to hear stories about this wonderful cosy semi-detached four bedroom house with it's huge back garden? Well, guess what, it's shit. It wouldn't be, if NNB was an ACTUAL ADULT WHO SORTED THINGS OUT LIKE YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO DO but he's not. And this is why he should never ever ever have been allowed to buy a house. We do not have a boiler. There is no functioning boiler at this property right now. It is October. No, it isn't, it's November (I don't even know what bloody month it is jesus christ I am RUINED tomorrow). No boiler. We have an electric shower, so at least I don't smell, but we have no heating. I tried to fix the boiler but I am not a plumber and nobody will speak to me about the boiler because I am not a homeowner or a tenant I am a nothing. So. I gave NNB an ultimatum (there was a list. There was a list of things that he was supposed to do/sort before we moved in- the boiler was just one of them); I said he had three days to take action on these items or I was moving out because it was not fair on me and it was not fair on Piglet to be living in the arctic AND HOW DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THAT THIS IS A PRIORITY? Have I mentioned that I've been permanently ill for the past 6 weeks? Literally one illness after another BECAUSE I AM EXHAUSTED AND FREEZING ALL THE FUCKING TIME. I'm so sick of being ill.

Anyway. He didn't do it. He didn't do anything. Actually, funny story, the day after his time limit was up and I told him I'd booked viewings he decided that he would make some enquiries to see if he could get someone to come and look at the boiler the next day... because that's how plumbers work... (it's still not sorted, there is nobody coming to look at the boiler, the boiler is dead). So, I had a look around a few flats today for Piglet and I (and Adelaide and Baby Cat). Two of them were viable; the third was far too nice- I would be absolutely terrified of touching anything for fear of it breaking. Of the two, the first is my preference because the initial costs are lower, and the second one was on a busy road and I don't really want that so...

Funny thing actually, before we went to nursery I still had this feeling that I wasn't doing the right thing; maybe I should stick it out a bit longer? Maybe I'm being unfair? I should give him a bit more time to sort the boiler out. But then Piglet is hitting. Because Piglet is feeling unloved. And now I have no doubts. I worry anyway about not being around enough. I worry that he just puts her in front of the TV and lets her watch Paw Patrol for hours. I worry that he's not making sure she brushes her teeth properly. I worry that she thinks I've abandoned her. I hate that I'm too tired to play with her. I hate that I only get to see her at 7:15am when she's screaming for me as he takes her to nursery.

This has all turned very negative and it wasn't supposed to be negative. I want to be able to be a mother to my child. I want to have the time to do that (fyi also, anybody in hospitality- never say you might be able to work both days at the weekend if you are needed; they take that to mean you will work both days every single weekend). So. New home. Again. Less work. More Piglet. Less hitting.

Ending on a positive note? I got 100% in my latest uni assignment. Aaaaaand (whilst Newcastle PhD offer is still on the table) I've seen a PhD in Cambridge that I might apply for if my self-esteem doesn't get the better of me. This is the other thing. NNB has flat out said he is not moving if I do my PhD elsewhere. And I don't want to be limited in my options. So...the new home thing is inevitable, really, isn't it? I'm just bringing everything forward a bit.

Hopefully next time I write, I'll be telling you all about life in Monkseaton and how everybody has a Rupert dog, and all the wonderful cardboard furniture I'm buying from Ikea with my new big fat credit card increase that's happening and will keep me alive until tax credits start up again.

BIG LOVE (and hot water bottles) TO EVERYONE

Les os de congelation


p.s. I'm also taking French this semester as extra credit because I'm an idiot. Mon francais est tres mauvais. Je ne suis pas tres bon. L'ordre des mots est ridicule et je ne sais jamais quand prononcer l'e a la fin d'un mot. Au reviour tout le monde!

Monday, 4 September 2017

The One With The Curious Case of Bridget Bones (41 months + 24 days)

Right. Write. Breathe.

Ok. So. Change. I am not necessarily the best person when it comes to dealing with change. And...that's probably an understatement.

No, wait. I'm ok with change. As long as I am in control of the change. When things are happening that are no longer in my control, I have a tendency to freak out somewhat (again- understatement).

So, Piglet and I are moving to North Tyneside. We are moving in to NNB's new house (although I've been told that it is not NNB's house, it is our house, although my name is not on the mortgage so if he dies I will be on the streets but whatever, fine it's "our house"). I mentioned school stress the last time that I posted 16 years ago... so maybe I should talk about the lovely things that we did before I go onto the mild (major) breakdown that I'm currently experiencing? (Spoiler alert: there are no pictures here because something very sad happened that I will talk about later on).

So, we went on holiday. To the lake district. And it was really lovely. We went to the World of Beatrix Potter. We had breakfast with Peter Rabbit. Piglet got to meet Peter Rabbit and was very excited about this. We went to Kendal. Didn't get to see Tim Farron but that's ok. We went to Grizedale and searched for Gruffalo's. Very, very lovely.

We have been to see Paw Patrol Live. Piglet had her mind blown. (Very impressed with Paw Patrol Live btw; not with price of tickets- that was not impressive, but actual show- v. v. v. good). They had an interval half way through; the first half of the show ended on them trying to find Everest so to convince Piglet to go to the toilet, I told her we needed to check if Everest was in there. Cue toddler running into every stall shouting "EVEREST, WHERE ARE YOU? EVEREST!". Excellent parenting. Top notch.

And then I started properly looking for a school for Piglet. Do you know what time breakfast club starts at the school Piglet would be going to if we lived here? 8am. Which would mean I could be at uni for- realistically- 9am. Which might be fine, if I was staying until 6/7pm each evening BUT at this school, after-school clubs finish at 4:20pm. So. Not fine. Not fine at all.

Hence, we're moving with NNB. Since he can always do pick up (#teachergoals). And half-terms. And holidays. And I can't. The plan was two and a half months long. We were supposed to give nursery two months notice, so I wanted to find a new nursery at the end of August, hand in notice at current nursery on the 1st September and Piglet would start new nursery from the 1st November. I would then give notice on my flat on the 18th October and officially hand keys in on 18th November- but aim to have moved everything out prior to the 1st (last two weeks for deep-clean and de-weeding yard). That way, we would be moving in time to apply for schools for next September, not moving too close to Christmas, and not trying to rush it all.

First part of the plan went well. We found a nursery. We looked round three, but I knew which one I wanted before we even went. Piglet goes to a Busy Bees right now. There is a Busy Bees near the new house; it's on NNB's route to work, and is walk-able for when I am doing pick-up. This is going to be a big change for Piglet and I felt- feel- that at least if she is in the same sort of environment (i.e. same routine, same poilicies, same learning scheme), it will be easier for her. And it's lovely. They vote for stuff! I was so excited about this; they get to vote for the "room theme of the week" and there's big posters saying "your vote counts!" and I am ALL OVER THAT YES! So, loved it.

The other two we looked around? The first Just no. Right next to a busy road, not enough space in the room, all about "preparing them for school" but...she's not at school, she's at NURSERY. There wasn't a proper garden, it was just a playground and...I just didn't like it. Also, the fees were (excuse my language Nana) fucking ridiculous! Over £1000 per month. Nope. Can't afford that. The second was, honestly, beautiful. It was a really beautiful nursery and had it been in a different location, and had they offered the 30 funded hours (they were only offering the 15 when we looked) I could very easily have been swayed by that one. I would definitely recommend it to anyone looking for a nursery, because it was gorgeous. And the owner who showed us around was very good. Obviously cared a lot about early years education and she was very impressive. Everything she said really hit home with me.

Oh, another point to make. I lose all my tax credits when I move in with NNB. So, we looked at the finances and worked out that, if we put Piglet in nursery term-time only for the 30 free hours (3 full days) and then I paid for an extra half day, that should be enough to cover my lectures, And then I would just work closes and one day at the weekend at work. Work are fine with this (work are so good actually- if you ever hear me moan about work, just slap me).

So. Back to Busy Bees (I'm so sorry, this is all over the place, but this is my life right now). We said we wanted her to start on the 1st November; they said that's great. We asked about 30 free hours and...hit a wall. For Piglet to receive 30 free hours, she needs to be at the nursery on head count day which is October 9th. Otherwise we are not eligible for them until the following term. So, here was stress numero uno-

1) This meant I could only give nursery one months notice
2) Because they are in different local authorities, I could only have funding for one of them; it wasn't transferable. Which basically meant that either I have to cancel the funding for September at current nursery, which almost doubles my bill for that month or find a way to pay for two months of new nursery without funding or tax credits.

Do you know why our nursery is so great? I spoke to them and, not only did they say they were fine for us to give one month's notice, she also said that she would just charge me the funded rate for this month but not access the funding so that I get it at the new nursery. So basically nursery just gave me a 50 % discount for this month.

Which is wonderful, but here's where I started to unravel slightly because now everything has been shifted forward a month. Piglet starts new nursery on 2nd October. I am handing notice in on flat 18th September, with a view to being out by 30th September (officially 18th October- but as previously mentioned, the yard really needs de-weeding). And now my control on the situation is starting to dissipate and I am getting anxious.

So, what do you when you get anxious? BIG NIGHT OUT! OF COURSE! EXCELLENT IDEA! Uhm, I can't tell you what happened on my big night out because I have no memory of it. I can tell you I ended up with the police. Who think my drink was spiked. I have a vague memory of them asking me what I'd taken because my pupils were the size of plates, to which I responded "I would NEVER do DRUGS, I have a baby and my boyfriend is a MATHS TEACHER, and I do CHEMISTRY!" Hence, spiking. And my phone was stolen. And my student ID. And my pink leather jacket. And it's all very sad. And now I have a shit pay as you go phone that cost £20 and takes pictures that look like...crap. And I can't even cope.

Next stress on the list; remember that three and a half days at nursery I was talking about? I got my timetable last night. I can't cover uni with three and a half days of nursery. Semester one I will have to have her in for three days and two mornings; from March she'll probably have to be back in full time until NNB finishes school for the Summer. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA I AM GOING TO BE SO POOR HAHAHAHAHAHA LOVE MY LIFE.

Here's the biggest concern though. Bigger than picking a school; bigger than being spiked and having all your things stolen; bigger than living in poverty for the next year. Piglet. I love Piglet's nursery. Piglet loves her nursery. I love my flat. Piglet loves my flat. We were driving home from the new house last night, and she was sat next to the cat in the back saying "Don't worry Adelaide, we're going to mummy's house now, not NNB's house. It's going to be fine, we're going to mummy's house". NNB said he picked her up one day before he'd got the new house and she was shouting in the car, "NO, ME GO MUMMY'S HOUSE, NOT NNB'S HOUSE NO!" and he had to reassure her that they were coming here. She woke up next to me this morning and said, "Yay! We're in our house!"

She loves the new house. She loves her room- she chose it herself; she's picked out her bedding and helped unpack all her toys and clothes; she loves the garden and the cat that lives next door (every morning when we go downstairs she asks to look out the window to see if she can see him). But clearly this is her home. And I'm taking it away from her and that makes me so sad. And it's happening far faster than I thought it would, or even wanted it to.

And whilst it's all exciting, and will probably work out for the best in the end, I just feel constantly sick right now at the thought that I'm about to do something that could seriously upset her.

So, Piglet. In 15 years, when your therapist works out that all the issues you have stem from this move, I'm sorry. I really am. But, hey, I'll probably be sat there alongside you because I AM NOT COPING VERY WELL RIGHT NOW. I promise we'll still see your best friend. I promise you can always sleep with mummy if you're sad. I promise that I'll try and do everything I can to make this as easy as possible for you.

But also, remember that it was not mummy's fault, it was NNB's fault because he applied for the stupid job at the good school in North Tyneside, so he is the source of all our woes ok?

Wednesday, 9 August 2017

The One With The Worst Bit Of Prose You Will Ever Encounter (40 months + 29 days)

Guys, I'm so so so sorry but I'm having a minor breakdown right now so... here I am. Do you know I'm a problem solver? Can you believe that? Given how much I whine about things on here? Seriously. In "the real world", if you came to me with an issue, I could give you a solution to it. My own problems? Hmm.... maybe this is why I write about them. Then I can work through them on "paper", and they seem less massive.

Let's play a game. Let's play a game in which you have 0 foresight. Maybe I shouldn't phrase it like that.... Let's play a game in which you are incredibly optimistic and naive. Got it? In the right frame of mind? World is a lovely place and everything is always going to end up fine. This. Is. Your. Brain.

Now you're pregnant. And you believed it would all be fine and everything would be ok, but it wasn't, and we've lived this, and you dealt with it, and you planned, and it was sorted (kind of...ish).

I'm going to tell you a secret now, that nobody ever says. Or maybe they do say it and you just don't believe it. BABIES DO NOT GET EASIER. BABIES ONLY EVER GET HARDER.

Actually that's not fair. The babies don't get harder, but all the stupid rubbish that goes alongside the babies gets harder.

Piglet is three. Three years old. I have to start applying for schools for Piglet. I (currently) have no idea where I am going to be when Piglet starts school because I don't know where I'm going to be doing my PhD. So currently, I have several options:

1) I apply for schools in Sunderland.

2) I apply for schools in North Tyneside where NNB's new house that he is buying is (more on this later)

3) I wait until I know for sure where I am doing my PhD and then start applying for schools.

There are issues with each and every one of these options. Yes, I have been offered a PhD at Newcastle, but currently I still want to apply for others, just to have options. If I am to do the PhD at Newcastle, I will be living with NNB in his house. So therefore, it makes sense to apply for those schools, right? BUT I can't apply for those schools because I won't be living in the catchment area at the time of application. I won't be living with NNB prior to doing my PhD because financially, it makes no sense and all the tax credits for nursery disappear. Therefore option number two isn't really an option.

How about applying for schools in Sunderland then? Well, that is equally stupid. Because as I've just said, if I stay in Newcastle, I won't be living in Sunderland.

Which leaves option three. Which is equally as rubbish because school applications have to be in by January which is pretty much the same time PhD applications have to be in for so....

I'll complicate this issue further. I need a school that offers breakfast club and after school clubs. And that is shit. Never have I had so much guilt as the knowledge that Piglet is going to be at school earlier than everyone else, and leaving school later than everyone else. That makes me really, really sad. And very shit. And selfish.

So basically I hate schools. I hate myself. I hate the system. I hate it all. I hate it. And right now, I can't really do anything proactive about it? Which is really frustrating.

I'm stressing about applying for PhD's aswell. Because y'know. Imperial. Sad times. Does a 94% average really outweigh a Desmond? But can't apply for any yet, because they're not advertising for next September yet, so again... stress with no productive outlet.

NNB is moving house. NNB is buying a house because he is a grown-up whilst I am forever 21. NNB has lots of stress about house. He was promised it would be completed before the 14th, because that is when his tenancy ends. It is not being completed by the 14th. They are currently saying the 23rd. So, because I am a problem solver, I suggested NNB miraculously all on his own came up with the idea of staying at mine for a couple of weeks and putting his stuff in storage, which is now the plan.

I'm stressed about NNB moving.

I'm scared about NNB moving.

I think I'm having a little bit of a breakdown at the moment. I suggested yesterday that maybe he shouldn't buy a house and instead we should just take all the money and go travelling round Europe for six months and run away and it would be so lovely and he shot that idea down quite quickly.

OH, funny story aswell. You know how your medical records are confidential right? And like, the fact that you used to have eating disorders is between you and your doctor yeah? Imagine if for some unknown reason the doctor decided to share this information with nursery. Wouldn't that just be a barrel of laughs? Can you imagine how totally inappropriate that would be? Good job that NEVER happens, yeah?

Apart from it did. Piglet's pediatrician included that information on a letter sent to nursery. She also spelled Piglet's name incorrectly all the way through. Aswell as my name. I was outraged at that letter. Outraged.

Yesterday I got an email from uni saying that my tuition fees were up this year from £3095 to £3370.

Nice one.


NNB, Piglet and I have just booked a couple of days away in Penrith in the Lake District next week. We've actually managed to get a stupidly cheap deal on one of these holiday apartments in this crazy old Hall (seriously it looks amazing I'm so excited right now).

God this is so disjointed. I'm so so sorry. This is my brain right now. There is no connections, just random things all over the place that all cause stress and chaos.


Wednesday, 26 July 2017

The One With Potties and Pleurisy (40 months + 15 days)

So, on Sunday I started writing a really long whiny, bitchy, moany, "shut up Bones, you're so #firstworldproblems" post but luckily for me (and all of you) it didn't save it. Why was I writing such a moody post? Three reasons:

1) I had been diagnosed with pleurisy, and thus was unable to run.

2) I'd started a vegan diet (don't ask) and felt like an absolute starving whale. 

3) I felt fat due to a combination of the above.

BUT I'm over it, so here I am with lots of lovely lovely updates (and minimal hating on my body- apart from the fact that it seems to die on me all the time, and I am sick of it).

Before we tackle any of the above though, let's run through v. v. v. exciting updates in the life of Bones and Piglet:

1) Piglet Runs
We did the Great North 10k at the beginning of July. By we, I mean, I did the Great North 10k. BUT MORE IMPORTANTLY- Piglet partook in the Toddler Dash. Piglet did her own race. And SHE WAS AMAZING!!! Honestly, I was so proud. So, so, proud. And so well-behaved- I didn't even try to pull her to the front or knock anyone in front of us over (well done Bones for being a normal human being and not a competitive psychopath; big big points you crazy crazy woman). 

2) If Piglet is Autistic, I am a Banana
This realisation dawned on me when we went to Party no. 632 (How are there so many children at nursery? Surely it isn't possible to be invited to this many parties?); Piglet's best friend at nursery is called....let's call her... (so much pressure here- please do not infer anything about this child from what I decide to christen her)...right, got it- PBF (Piglet's Best Friend. Nice one Bones- really original). 

So anyway- getting back to the point- we got to this party and Piglet and PBF spotted each other, and I swear to God, it was the most adorable thing in the world. Like they behaved as though they hadn't seen each other for 60 years, in spite of it being Saturday, and they were at nursery together on Friday... So cute. And then they were trying to work out how to reach each other in the maze that is soft play. Not autistic. Beautiful.

Her speech is coming along in leaps and bounds aswell (she found the emergency pregnancy test a few weeks ago- "Mummy, what's this?"; "That's a special test that tells you if there's a baby in your tummy"; "Yay! A baby! Do it Mummy, you do it!"; "Oh no darling, it's just if you think there's a baby and you have to check if  you're right or if your body just hates you"; "Oooooh I see"). So, I have little worries in this regard (more worried about finding her sat on the potty with a pregnancy test). And speaking of potties...

3) Piglet does Potty Training. Successfully. In 48 hours
We had been potty training. We bought a bike. Piglet got sick of potty training and refused to do it anymore. And then on Saturday, I said to NNB that we need to stop messing around and be focused parents and get our shit together. So, we put pants on Piglet. And since then....she's used the potty (honestly, I think part of this is because she really likes yellow, and I told her that wee wees is yellow and she can see that I'm telling the truth by looking in the potty). She had one accident at nursery yesterday, and was apparently inconsolable. Which is really sad. Because she's done so well, and it was only one accident (clearly she is a crazy perfectionist also- don't do it Piglet, just don't do it. Aim for mediocrity!). Other than that though- perfect. Woke up this morning (granted it was at 3:30am) with a dry nappy and went straight on the potty too.

I mean, I did have a bit of a cry about this, because she's not a baby anymore and is officially a Big Girl, but whatever, like, my emotional stability is not the subject of this section. We'll discuss this later. But first...

4) Bones Maintains A 94% Average
YEAH I DO. Got results for first year a few weeks ago. 87% in Organic (but I only needed like 2% in this exam to get a distinction overall so I don't even care about this mark it definitely does not bother me, I'm not going to be that guy that moans because it's not a 90 but yeah you're right I'm really pissed off by stupid organic chemistry). 98% in Bioactive Natural Products. Pretty solid. Pretty solid mark. Not bad. OH WAIT. STOP EVERYTHING. WHO GOT 100% IN CHEMOTHERAPY? OH YEAH, THAT'S ME. ME HERE. 100%. A. PERFECT. SCORE. 

Pretty happy. Except for Organic. But average is still 94% so it's all gravy. All gravy gravy gravy. 

5) Bones Gets Pleurisy (because her body is utterly shite)
This is a story about how you can have a chest infection and think you're fine and all better, until you have horrendous chest pains for two weeks and go to your doctor and he sends you to hospital where they do 700000000 tests on you . And then say you can't run and your life is ruined.

I had a chest infection about a month ago and didn't get it looked at, because...well, I figured it was probably viral and they wouldn't be able to do anything? And then the day before the 10k I started having chest pains... and ran it anyway because... I like medals? I was supposed to be doing another 10k in Durham on the 19th and I went to the doctor that morning because chest pains had lasted almost two weeks. Not intermittent chest pains. Constant chest pain. Anyway, he sent me to hospital (NNB had a small heart attack when I sent him a message about this whilst he was at work) and after 6789 different tests they said it was pleurisy. 

Pleurisy is an inflammation of the lining of your lungs and can be caused by chest infections. Do you know what the remedy for pleurisy is? Rest. And painkillers (have had a lot of codeine recently). But mainly rest.

I really don't like rest.

So, I couldn't do my run. I had two days off work. I lay in bed convinced that my waist was expanding by the second due to this new sedentary lifestyle I was having to lead, and I watched 700000 documentaries on Netflix- one of which was What the Health? Which led to....

6) Bones goes Vegan
I am not convinced about the health benefits of veganism. It is very easy to cherry pick studies to support any claim you want to make, and- let's face it- a lot of studies have been done which have yielded results which cannot be reproduced and are therefore bullshit (*cough* looking at you Andrew Wakefield *cough*)  I am not going to preach about why we should only eat a plant-based diet because I don't necessarily believe that is true. What IS true is that I am very easily grossed out by food. And what's actually in food. I'm not going to tell you the specific part that made me cut out the best 70% of my diet because that's not fair. But if you watch it, you'll know the bit that I'm talking about. 

I'm kind of hoping I get over this quite rapidly? Because I really miss eggs. So maybe I can be vegan, but still eat eggs. I really miss turkey bacon too. That being said, one of the girls at work made some vegan chilli for me and it was literally the best thing I have ever eaten. So maybe I'll start posting loads of vegan recipe ideas on here instead! (I will never do this- I promise, promise, promise you, I will not do this). 

God I'm such a mess.

Big love to everyone! Remember: always get your chest infections checked out and definitely don't watch What the Health, because it WILL ruin your life! (Oh my God I just remembered pizza, like what is life without PIZZA?!)


Thursday, 22 June 2017

The One With The Nuclear Fallout (39 months + 11 days)

It is Thursday.

Yesterday, I sobbed, I screamed, I spent £60 on a yellow jacket that I have coveted for several weeks, booked a 10k in Durham for next month, Piglet got a new Paw Patrol toy, bag and hat (this is what happens when I get a credit card increase and "bad" news on the same day), and we went to bed at 7pm. 

And when I woke up, it was 1:30am. And it was Thursday. 

We're giving potty training another whirl at the moment. On Tuesday, I promised Piglet that she could have anything she wanted if she did all her wee wees on the toilet and she asked for a pink bike. Since then, she has only had two accidents at nursery, so it seems to be working. Because she is fine. 

She saw me crying after the hospital yesterday, wiped away my tears, gave me a cuddle and asked if I was OK. Because she is fine.

She gave me a big kiss and a hug when I picked her up last night and told me she loved me. Because she is fine. 

She jumped in bed next to me and insisted that she was squeezed as tight as possible (this is the only way she will fall asleep) and....that can be autistic. But you know what? That's fine. 

Piglet isn't autistic. Piglet is Piglet. Piglet may end up being on the autistic spectrum but it will just be part of who she is. And after the stories I have read this morning, that's fine. It is fine. Autism isn't understood by society. I don't fully understand autism. But you know what? I'm probably on the spectrum. You're probably on the spectrum. We're all on the bloody spectrum.'s not Piglet's problem. Nothing has changed, or will change for her. It is just being made apparent to me. So I need to get over myself. 

Nursery said Piglet was off yesterday afternoon; that she was in a really odd mood. And honestly? I'm not surprised. Imagine sitting in a room for an hour with two people talking about you in front of your face- how would you feel? She's sharp as a whistle when it comes to understanding what you're saying, and that can be easy to forget. 

The health visitor isn't trying to set me up, She's trying to help. The pediatrician isn't telling me there's something wrong, she's telling me that there's something different. 

For anyone else in this situation- don't just read literature. Because it uses language like "disorder" and "delay" and other negative words that... aren't necessarily true. Read people's stories. Read their experiences. And you'll have a totally different perspective on the situation. 

I've been fighting any and all medical diagnoses around Piglet. I'm silly, really. I think in my mind, by resisting everything, I was fighting for her; I was defending her corner. And I thought that by going down this path, it would mean her life would be more difficult. doesn't change anything. It's just a word.

The real fight is against what most people believe autism is. Myself included.

So. It's Thursday. What should we all do today? We should buy beautiful yellow jackets. Because life is short. We should educate ourselves. Because ignorance is dangerous. I myself am going to start looking at the best methods for teaching children on the autistic spectrum. I'm also going to be serving pints with a smile to alcoholics at 11am. The most important thing we should do today though? We should hug our babies as tight as we can. Our happy, funny, loving, unique babies. Mine's perfect, and I'm sure yours is too.

p.s. Baby cat fell out of the bathroom window whilst we were at hospital yesterday so I returned home to a very soggy wet cat stood by the back door feeling sorry for himself. This was the highlight of Woeful Wednesday, and has more than made up for the fact that he continually poos on the floor and gave Adelaide a hysterical pregnancy.  


Wednesday, 21 June 2017

The One With The A-Bomb (39 months + 10 days)

Today is Wednesday. Many Wednesdays have happened since I last wrote anything. Many, many, many Wednesdays. If I'm being honest, whilst Prozac helped my mood (or at least I thought it did) it definitely stifled my creativity.

In all those Wednesdays that have passed, we've had exams (good), birthday parties (also good), army applications (disappointing), new medical diagnoses (not so good) and trips to A and E (terrifying). I am no longer on Prozac since I needed a medication review before the doctor would prescribe anymore and I ran out in the interim period. Hence, I decided there was no point coming off them to go back on them again. My head feels clearer. I feel. Isn't that funny? I wouldn't have said that Prozac had numbed my emotions at all but retrospectively, I can tell you that it did. Sure, I can feel sad now; but I can also feel happy. And excited. And anxious. And determined. And frustrated. And elated. And irritated. And motivated. And you know what? I prefer it this way. Life is all about feeling. Why the fuck would you want to be numb all the time?

I've also been diagnosed with anaemia and a severe vitamin D deficiency which is why I felt like sleeping for 20000 hours per day, so I now have to take approximately 613 pills per day. Piglet knows about these pills- "Mummy's medicine". Piglet has been told not take these pills. Piglet ignored this instruction and took two of my iron tablets. Which resulted in a speedy trip to A + E (prior to this, my parent's dog had also tried to eat my iron tablets- honestly, they taste disgusting, I have no idea why everyone is so keen to ingest them). Thankfully, both Piglet, and the dog are absolutely fine. 

Scratch that last sentence. 

Piglet had her pediatrician appointment today. The one that the Health Visitor had referred her for because she thought she was autistic. Honestly went into that meeting expecting the Pediatrician to say that Health Visitor was a crazy bitch and Piglet is fine. And...that's not what happened. 

Went through everything, she watched Piglet play; I even lied on some of the questions. Not intentionally. But I lied. She asked if Piglet liked to collect things. And I said no. But she does. She collects all her dummies. She likes to have as many dummies as possible at all times. I'm not talking a spare or two, I mean seven, eight, nine dummies. That is an autistic trait.

The fact that her left foot points inwards when she walks. That is an autistic trait. 

The pediatrician said that she doesn't have enough to make a diagnosis but she can't discharge her because she can't say she's "fine". Can't say she "OK". Can't say she's "normal". She's going to send a specialist into nursery to watch her play and then we will review everything. If the specialist has enough evidence at that point she will be given a formal diagnosis of autism. If not, a second specialist will view her, and assess her for autism. At no point was their any mention of her being classed as "normal" by any of these people. From the conversation that ensued it seemed to be a case of the "professionals" have decided that she is autistic and now they are simply gathering the evidence to support their case. 

I've avoided reading anything on autism prior to this point. Which is weird, because usually I like to know everything about something if I am to encounter it. And I think the reason I've been avoiding it is because I've been petrified that I will be reading about Piglet. I've been scared that every single sentence that I see will be her. 

Her speech is definitely behind. I am not arguing that point anymore at all. It's just that I don't realise it until I see her with other three year olds. She will speak in sentences but half the time I have no idea what she is trying to say. It doesn't help the situation that whenever we go to hospital she refuses to talk point blank. 

So. Piglet is autistic. Not formally. Not yet. But whether I believe it, and whether she actually is no longer matters it seems. They've decided that she fits the criteria. And she probably does, and I'm just going to have to come to terms with that. 

1% of people in the UK are diagnosed as autistic. In 2014, there were 695,233 live births in Britain; roughly 6,952 children born that year will therefore go on to receive an autism diagnosis. Why does my Piglet have to be one of them? It's not fair. It's not fucking fair.

I keep thinking it's my fault. Maybe it's because of the glass that fell on her head when she was really young; maybe it's because of when she fell off the bed; maybe it's because I was at work all the fucking time forever for that year of hell. Maybe I'm just a really, really shit mum. 

I'll never be able to think how she thinks. I'll never see the world how she does. And it's so, so, so, SO shit. And unfair. 

But. There will be many more Wednesdays after this one. And since this diagnosis now seems inevitable, I think it may be time to read. My baby is going to be autistic. And I want to know exactly what that means for her. 

Wednesday, 12 April 2017

The One With Lessons For Piglet No. 348 (37 months + 1 day)


Further to my 4am ramblings, here are some 3am ones. These are some pearls of wisdom that those close to me have chose to impart at various points in my life; they are wise, wise people..

From your Great Gran:

Never close any doors- always leave all options open. 

From your Mimsy:

Always have self-respect. Know your worth.

From your Gramps:

(This was something that I imagine was a throw-away comment but had a profound effect on me when it was said)

If you don't like something, change it. 

Do I have any other things I want to say?

Surround yourself with people who want you to succeed. Dream big- SO BIG. Always be positive (prozac helps). Remember that brunch is the best meal ever. Feelings are important. Always make sure your voice is heard; your opinion counts. Appreciate the art of the afternoon tea. Don't get clingy cats that wake you up at 1:30am by purring in your face. No matter what you do, I've probably done worse. You're amazing; never let anybody make you think otherwise. 

Hopefully this will be the last of philosophical mummy for a while...  None of these life lessons really have any bearing as to what is currently going on in life (apart from the one re: cats). It's 11 days until London marathon so maybe I'm just paranoid I'm going to die during it hence the onslaught of random crap I want to pass on to you. 

(I'm not going to die- I am an excellent average runner. Maybe I'm just surprised I've made it to 27?)

Lots of love,

3am Philosophical mummy 


Tuesday, 11 April 2017

The One With Lessons For Piglet No. 347: Be Selfish (37 months)

Dear Piglet,

There will be many moments in your life when will you wonder if you made the right decision. Mummy can say this; Mummy is the love child of gin and regret and therefore spends 87% of her life wondering if she made the right decision. The short answer to your contemplation? You won't. The likelihood is that with every single choice you make you will never know if it was the right one. However, whenever you doubt yourself, I want you to ask the following three questions:

1) Am I happy content?

One of the most important things I was taught, Piglet, came from my therapist: never aim for happiness, as it is a transient phase. The very nature of life is that it has peaks and troughs; nobody can be at the top of the game constantly. Instead, aim to be content. It is a far safer and more reasonable expectation. Are you content? If the answer is yes, then the likelihood is, you chose "correctly". If the answer is no then:

2) Did it make sense?

You are three currently. At the moment your decision making is generally based on, "What do I want right now at this moment in time...? PAW PATROL PAW PATROL PAW PATROL CHOCOLATE" However (I hope) there will come a point where your ability to make choices becomes slightly more complex. Some people have gut instincts. Some people "follow their heart". Me? I'm a logic person. I don't follow my heart, I follow my head. I believe in lists of pros and cons; I believe in taking emotion out of the situation. Is my way of decision making correct? Who knows. It could be considered cold. It could be considered detached. However... that's me. Your own style of selection will be moulded by life, Piglet. For mummy therefore, the answer to this question will always be "yes". Not all decisions I have made have been "right", but all have definitely to some extent made sense to me (apart from when under the influence of tequila but we don't mention these ok?) Of course if your own answer to this question is no, then the final self-analysis I would like you to perform is this one:

3) Is my memory accurate?

No. It's not. Not unless you're looking at things immediately after the fact. As a general rule we romanticise things Piglet. The longer it is since an event, the more we will view it in a favourable light. We only remember the good things- and for good reason; imagine how rubbish you would feel if you held on to all the negative things from the past?! 

I would like for you to be many things, Piglet, and I hope I can help instill them in you. I want you to be kind. I want you to be compassionate. I want you to be inquisitive. I want you to be content. But most of all-especially when it comes to decision-making- I want you to be selfish. You do you. Because life can be a bit shitty at times, and you need to make sure you have your own back. 

Lots of love,

From a 4am Philosophical Mummy (who is always right)


Tuesday, 21 March 2017

The One With The Three Little Pigs (36 months + 10 days)

This is the tale of The Three Little Pigs.

Once upon a time there was a mother pig who had three little pigs (she was stressed off her tits). The three little pigs ate ALL her food, and kept the heating on all the time, and grew so big that the mother pig told them it was time for them to go and build their own homes to live in.

"Little pigs! When I was your age, I was married with three baby pigs of my own, and all you seem to do is lie in your dressing gowns all day demanding cups of tea! I can't take this any longer- I am trying to hold down three jobs just to afford the heating bill on this sty. It is time for you to go and build your own homes; but beware of the Big Bad Wolf!"

The three little pigs set off (Mother pig put her slippers on and poured herself a large glass of wine): "The Big Bad Wolf will NEVER catch us",

Soon, they met a man who was nothing but bones. "Please will you teach me your ways?" said the first little pig, "I want to build my home out of self-inflicted starvation, and an unattainable body image".

"Of course", said the skeletal figure, and he taught the little pig all the benefits of eating disorders and how his home was going to be the most perfect home in all the world. The little pig was very pleased with his home; his home showed the world how strong and in control he was; nothing would ever overwhelm him, especially not some silly wolf.

The second and third little pigs disagreed with his method; they continued their journey onward, leaving the first little pig in his home of bones. A short while into their excursion, they met another man who had a head the size of Jupiter. "WOW!" said the second little pig, "please help me! I want my home to be full of brains as big as yours! With all the knowledge in the world, there is NO WAY a Big Bad Wolf would be able to come after me!"

The second pig built his home of brains. He was very impressed with himself; "This is the best home there ever was", he told the third little pig, "there is no way you could have a better home than this one". The third little pig wasn't so sure- "I think I'm going to carry on. I've got a feeling that there's a stronger material just a little bit further on"- and he continued on his path.

The next day, the Big Bad Wolf was walking along the road, when he arrived at the home made of bones. The first little pig saw him coming and ran inside, locking the door behind him.

The wolf knocked on the door and said, "Little pig, little pig, let me come in"
"No, no, no", said the first little pig, "not by the hair of my chinny chin chin".
"Then I'll huff, and I'll puff, and I'll blow your house in", said the wolf.

Unsurprisingly, bones are not the best material to build your home out of. Mental illness fuelled by self-loathing does not a strong foundation make. The first pigs house fell down and he suffered a horrible death at the hands of the Big Bad Wolf.

The Big Bad Wolf walked further along the road, until he arrived at the home made of brains. The second little pig saw him coming and ran inside, locking the door behind him.

The wolf knocked on the door and said, "Little pig, little pig, let me come in"
"No, no, no", said the first little pig, "not by the hair of my chinny chin chin".
"Then I'll huff, and I'll puff, and I'll blow your house in", said the wolf.

Now, you may think that brains would be a MUCH wiser choice to build your home out of. And in some respects you would be right; they're certainly a substantial improvement on bones at any rate. However, brains have one weakness: failure. And so, at the first sign of failure, the home of brains fell to the floor, and this time the second little pig was eaten by the Big Bad Wolf.

Whilst his siblings were suffering unspeakable suffering and anguish at the hands of the Big Bad Wolf, the third little pig was busy building his home. The third little pig had thought long and hard about the strongest thing in the world that he could use, and came to the conclusion that he wanted his home to be made of love.

The wolf reached the home made of love and, in the same manner as the first two little pigs, the third little pig ran inside, locking the door behind him.

The wolf knocked on the door and said, "Little pig, little pig, let me come in"
"No, no, no", said the first little pig, "not by the hair of my chinny chin chin".
"Then I'll huff, and I'll puff, and I'll blow your house in", said the wolf.

The Big Bad Wolf huffed, and puffed but no matter how hard he tried, he couldn't blow down the house of love. He tried numerous tricks to attempt to get the third little pig to come out, but- in summary- they all failed and the scenario culminated with the Big Bad Wolf falling down the chimney and being boiled alive (children's stories are far too gruesome man. What even is this?)

Three years and ten days ago I met my own little piglet and we started laying the foundations for our home built out of love. We've just put the roof on it. I'm sure there will be extensions to add and adjustments to be made, but irregardless of that, at the moment, I'm pretty sure that we can deal with any Big Bad Wolf that tries to knock on our door.

Happy Birthday Piglet x

Thursday, 2 March 2017

The One With World Book Day (35 months + 14 days)


I am going to revisit some of last posts themes later on (mainly regarding me getting my shit together and no longer behaving in a headless chicken-type manner) but first, I need to address the most important issue of the day:

It is World Book Day today, I remember as a child, I used to love World Book Day. You used to be able to get a book for a £1, didn't you? Or was it for free with a voucher? Do they still do this? World Book Day was AWESOME. As a mother? Bloody hell, World Book Day, you cause me far too much stress. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO FIND AN ORIGINAL COSTUME FOR MY CHILD THAT IS ACTUALLY A BOOK CHARACTER? (Do not get me started on costumes that are not book characters- it is World BOOK Day people, BOOK!!!!!!)

Piglet's first World Book Day, I was amazing. I am being modest here. Piglet was Peter rabbit:

See those ears? I made those ears. I was freakin' amazing World Book Day Number 1. 

World Book Day Number 2, Piglet was Winnie the Pooh (shoutout to NNB in the background here):

Less amazing- I have not constructed any of this costume myself- but still acceptable, I would consider this an adequate amount of effort for World Book Day (also 600000 hour working week = 0 crochet time).

This year, up until 2pm yesterday, I had two ideas for Piglet's World Book Day outfit:

1) She can wear normal clothes and go as the Thought Police from 1984

2) I can dye her hair orange, paint cheekbones on her face and send her in with a calpol syringe and she is Mark Renton from Trainspotting.

Somehow I didn't think either would really be appropriate. Anyway, last minute shopping ensued, aaaaaaand: we have Little Red Riding Hood and the Big Bad Wolf (gold is red ok?)

It took me an hour is convince her to wear her cape. She also let the rabbit out of the cage in this time, so I spent half my morning chasing a rabbit back into aforementioned cape, and chasing toddler into aforementioned cage. Or vice versa. Toddlers don't live in cages and rabbits don't wear capes.

And now, I am going to rewind, and revisit. I had mentioned (screamed) about Piglet being referred to a pediatrician by the Health Visitor and about that stupid questionnaire that we had to fill in that was clearly looking at autism. You may have been able to tell from my slightly agitated tone (slightly....hahahahahahah) that I was marginally (totally) freaked.

NNB took Piglet to nursery the following morning, and nursery enquired how health visitor appointment had gone. NNB told them it was "very positive and everything was fine".


When I picked her up that night I spoke to nursery about it all to see what the hell was going on. Nursery have said that Piglet shows a lot of autistic traits. Copying is an autistic trait. I didn't know this. Speech issues are an autistic trait. This one I did know. Problems with sleep are often exhibited in children with autism. However, they also said that there are a lot of symptoms of autism that she doesn't show, which I would very strongly agree with. She is social, she is affectionate, she reacts to others when they are upset. They said if she was autistic, it would be incredibly mild. And-after a lot of pushing, if I'm being honest- they said that they wouldn't be concerned; that it is probably just to rule it out.

So I am more chill. If Health Visitor thinks she is autistic, that is a lot less stressful that if nursery think she is autistic. Nursery see her 50 hours a week; Health Visitor sees her once every 6 months/year. (NNB says I am like a child telling on nursery to health visitor and then telling on health visitor to nursery and I told him to shut up because I am allowed to stress about my child and he is a poo for being so chill about the whole matter. Even though it is better that he is chill because if he wasn't chill then I would be even worse than I already am).

We had the dentist earlier this week, which Piglet was really good for. I was not. I hate the dentist. I have a new lady dentist who clearly doesn't have any children and I hate her already and I think she hates me too so.... I need three fillings. And to brush Piglet's teeth. Apparently her brushing them herself does not constitute teeth brushing... Why do I not know this... So now we play the game of Mummy brushes Piglet's teeth and Piglet brushes Mummy's teeth. Dentist shouted at me because Piglet still has a dummy when she goes to sleep. I swore about dentist under my breath. Dentist then told me about needing three fillings. I swore some more about evil sadistic bitch dentist under my breath.

Hate dentist.

In other news, Piglet and I are potentially having a new roommate come to live with us. In the Summer. My sister (Auntie M) is starting college, and would like a fresh start. I haven't spoken to her yet as to whether or not she is comfortable about me discussing the reasons for this, so I can't elaborate any more about circumstances as of yet. So, this means that in spite of me being so "rah rah rah I will never more I am not a gypsy I will have ROOTS", I might be looking at moving. Since we only have two bedrooms. Which may be a struggle with three of us. NNB has suggested something which is an interesting idea, although I'm not sure if it's going to come to fruition or not. NNB is looking at buying a house. Some of the properties he has looked at consist of a two bed and a three bed flat. I told NNB that this was a stupid idea as he could not be my landlord. NNB said he was not suggesting this, he is suggesting I live in 3 bed flat rent-free.

I think NNB is smoking crack. Or he just really likes me. Or more likely he really likes Piglet.

Oh, I've also got a potential PhD offer lined up for after I finish masters. One of my lecturers emailed me and we're going to discuss options next week. VERY EXCITED.

So basically... HERE IS MY POSITIVE POST THAT I PROMISED. Slightly late, but still here! (Pls judge me when I am happy and nice not when I am crazy and stressed- I am a good person, promise)

BIG LOVE and shiny happy vibes

Bones + Piglet


Thursday, 23 February 2017

The One That I Promised Would Be Positive (35 months + 12 days)

I promised you a positive post. Here goes:

I got 94% and 99% in my Semester 1 exams.

And thus concludes the positive post, because guess what? IT'S ALL DOWNHILL AND DEPRESSING FROM HERE! (Seriously, stop reading unless you want to be a soggy weeping mess like me- to anyone who just saw a sobbing girl running at 93mph in puregym- hi! That's me! I'm here! 

Yesterday Piglet had her eye appointment. Which was fine, and I could discuss in detail but I don't want to because the only thing that I've come away from that with is the information that she has a "pale optic nerve". Now. Apparently this could be totally fine. It could just be a paler shade within the normal spectrum. Alternatively it could mean her optic nerve is dying and she's going blind. Either way, they're just going to review it in six months because HEY HO THAT'S WHAT EVERYONE SAYS TO US. IT'S NOT LIKE I'M GOING TO BE STRESSING ABOUT IT OR ANYTHING RIGHT? BECAUSE THAT'S DEFINITELY SOMETHING THAT CAN JUST BE TREATED LIKE A RASH ISN'T IT?

The health visitor came round today because nursery had called her about Piglet's speech. She said we could either go to a speech therapist or we could get her referred to a pediatrician just to "rule anything out" because she has got "quite a few things going on and they could be connected". I said sure, yeah we can do that- not really getting it at first to be honest. It was only halfway through the 19 page question form that I realised what was being hinted at:

Does she have a lot of repetitive behaviours?

Does she react to you when you're upset?

Does she get extremely upset if her routine is disrupted?

They think she's autistic. Nursery think my baby is autistic. But she can't be autistic, right? She has friends. She interacts with them. She interacts with me!

The health visitor kept saying things that I imagine were supposed to be positive but instead just sounded patronising and limiting: "if there is something wrong, the pediatrician can put things in place to help her reach her full potential"; "she's made really good progress since I was last here"; "she's managing to cope very well".

What the fuck man.

I just can't right now. I don't even know what it would mean if she was autistic. Will she be ok? Will she be able to live a normal life? Will she be able to tell me she loves me? Will she ever talk properly? 

Again, the appointment with the pediatrician can take up to six months to come through.

Six. Fucking. Months. 

Fuck this shit man.This isn't right. 

Wednesday, 22 February 2017

The One With The Facial Swelling Where "I Bought A Book About That" (35 months + 10 days)

I'm going to kick this one off with a request: it's my birthday in six weeks- could somebody buy me some time, please? (Also a maltipoo- I really, really, really would like a maltipoo. Please. I cannot afford to buy a maltipoo myself. I cannot justify spending all that money on a dog. So please. Pretty please. Please. Please baby Jesus, please).

Fun fact number 1: Piglet goes to nursery. What? Oh, you know this already? Of course you do.

Fun fact number 2: I wrote a massive huge long blog about how much I loved Piglet's nursery and how it was perfect for us and not a Fascist Child Structuring Brainwashing Camp like the other nursery that we went to view. Yes, yes, you know this also...

Fun fact number 3: Piglet's nursery does "developmental reports". 

Developmental reports. For a two year old. DEVELOPMENTAL REPORTS. FOR. A. TWO YEAR OLD. 

I'm guessing you can already tell from my tone that I was not happy with Piglet's "developmental report". I'm guessing that you can already tell that I think- to put it politely- that it is all a pile of shit (sorry Nana- but it was).

I had a parents evening to discuss Piglet's developmental report. Although it was actually a parents morning because they wanted to "discuss everything in more detail but there was absolutely nothing to be concerned about". I took NNB with me (still playing couples at nursery. I am getting sick of pretend coupling at the moment. But I will discuss this more later else I risk getting side-tracked from Rant Numero Uno). Normal "parents evening" appointments were for 15 minutes. I spent 90 minutes sobbing in a toddlers cloakroom. Yes. 90 minutes. Whilst my child was- in a very, very nice way- pulled apart. Whilst- although my parenting was absolutely fine- my parenting was not fine. Whilst Piglet was totally, completely fine- but not fine. According to their things. Their stupid bullshit things.

 Let me enlighten you with several choice points.

The first one is obviously her speech. Her speech has improved in comparison to how it was. She can say more words than I can count, when she chooses to, and she will say short sentences ("Look mummy, moon"). I also know full well that she understands absolutely everything I say to her. Is her speech perfect? No. Do you have to decipher it at times? Yes. But- is she two? YES. Is she as fluent as some of the other children they have at nursery? No. But aren't we, as parents, constantly told that they develop at different rates and not to worry? YES. 

Nursery have said she needs speech therapy. I am not averse to speech therapy. However- as I pointed out to them- I have bought a book on speech therapy for toddlers, as I fail to see what a speech therapist could do that I couldn't. Also, being perfectly honest, I have an incredibly hectic schedule; it works far better for me if I am able to aid Piglet at home, at times when I know I am free as opposed to having to rearrange the 367 different areas of my life to revolve around hospital visits for speech therapy. Furthermore- who the hell says she even DOES need speech therapy? I was telling a girl at work about this, and she said that she didn't talk until she was 4 or 5. She says she was a really late talker. And she's fine. So....could it not just be that? The health visitor is coming round on Thursday to discuss it anyway. I really like my health visitor though. So I might just moan to her. And ask her what I can do. (My health visitor gets me- I really, really like her). 

They also put her comprehension as "emerging". As I've just said, she understands everything. Everything. Do you know what their justification for this label was? "Sometimes when we ask her to do things, she won't follow the instruction if she doesn't want to do it".


They said they didn't think she was ready for potty training because she doesn't understand. Do you know what she did that evening? She asked to put her pants on, and then she went and sat on the toilet and did a wee. And the day after, she did a poo on the toilet. SO SCREW YOU NURSERY. SCREW YOUR FACES. (We are taking a relaxed approach to potty training currently- if she wants to use the toilet that is cool; if she doesn't that is also cool. I'm letting her lead me. My parenting is FINE. Also, I bought a book on potty training- I also told nursery about this book aswell- and it says I can do it in a week. So. Basically, I'm just trying to work out the best week to do it).

Oh wait, get this one- they said she copies other children which is concerning. 

...I'm sorry, what?


Shit, really?!

Whatever man. Whatever. I'm fine about the whole thing. Totally fine. SO chill, (I am not chill at all, I even googled foetal alcohol syndrome in case the fact that I drank before I knew I was pregnant could have any effect on her speech. To summarise: no Bones, it can't. You are overreacting).

She loves nursery though. And it is a really nice nursery. It was just.... well, it's never nice to hear anyone say there are concerns about your child. She's the star of football though, so she can just be a footballer. Footballers don't need to speak. In fact, it's probably better if footballers don't speak, so that works perfectly.

In other news, this happened:

Can you see my big fat massive face? This is actually after I'd started antibiotics. I have a wisdom tooth coming through and it got infected. It was wonderful. Really, the most enjoyable experience of my life. Ever. (Dentist was v. attractive though, so that was a bonus. Or not, depending on which way you look at it...). I have been flying off my face on all the painkillers I can legally acquire. This has meant that I have been falling asleep every 5 minutes because I don't do so well on drugs. But it is all fine again now. I finished antibiotics yesterday, and my face is once again semi-symmetrical. 

Piglet and I had a lovely day together at the weekend exploring outside. Here are pictures, (seriously, I should do PR for Sunderland- look how pretty everything looks):

(Please don't ask why she is carrying a pink umbrella around with her; she refused to leave the house without it. I don't know why she was so attached to it, I just went along with it). 

We went and saw the hospital people about her feet a couple of weeks ago. She had to have x-rays taken. Seriously traumatic. Nothing like having to pin your baby down whilst they're screaming to scar you for life. The consultant said her hips are fine, she's just got really flexible joints. He thinks her foot will correct itself as she gets older so he's just going to see her again in six months. 

I'm going to finish off with what will hopefully be my last moan for a very long time. NNB has got a new job at a school in North Shields which he will start in September. This is wonderful for NNB. Well done, big clap, you're great. However, I am not the only one who plays the "this is my partner" game. NNB told the current school that he works at that he was looking for a different job because "his partner" (this is supposed to be me in the fake world) is doing their masters at Newcastle so he wants to be based closer to there. NNB is now looking at moving. To North Shields. Or Gateshead. Or somewhere else that's nowhere near Piglet and I. 

1) I'm not your partner and it makes absolutely no sense whatsoever to tell your employer that I am. Telling nursery that you're my partner makes sense otherwise they're just going to be like who's this weird beardy man?

2) North Shields is not Newcastle. North Shields is not Sunderland. North Shields is nowhere near me in any fashion.

3) NNB dear, why do you look so shocked when I inform you that I'm not moving because I like where I live, and cannot afford to move whilst I am paying £3000+ a year for a masters?

4) NNB SWEETPEA, why do you look even MORE shocked when I tell you there is no way that I am moving Piglet's nursery because she's only just settling in there and I want her to have some level of consistency in life currently, as part of me is concerned that is what has delayed her speech? (more paranoia, I know, I know). 


I am trying to be happy for NNB, but...I'm not doing too great at it. He was talking about doing that stupid NCS thing where he's away all Summer again and I'm like, I need to work? Can we not discuss this? Summer is my time to get money together so I don't have to kill myself during uni? I've even got work to give me a set shift pattern to limit the amount of time he has to watch Piglet. So he has her on Sundays. The rest of the time she is with me. And now he won't even be able to do that. I feel like I try to accommodate him, and it's all about him. I think he has been very selfish, and used ME as the excuse for being selfish when in actual fact it is not helpful to me at all. You're going to ask if I've tried to discuss this aren't you? I did. I told him he was selfish. He said he was going to pretend I hadn't said that, and then attempted to act as though everything was normal. I really can't be bothered to play fake couples anymore. Maybe I'm being selfish. Maybe I just don't care. 

Do you know what? 

I feel SO much better now. 

BIG LOVE GUYS XXXXXX (don't talk to boys, boys are crap, girls for life xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxox) 

p.s. I promise to be less super moody bitch next time hopefully fingers crossed xxxxx

p.p.s. I have fallen in love with my chemotherapy lecturer so maybe I'll write an entire post about her- that one DEFINITELY has to be positive. 

p.p.p.s I COULD have ranted about the fact that Mr Dickhead is once again behind on his child maintenance payments but is pretending to them that he's paid but I'm not going to because I am so chill.

p.p.p.p.s The personification of chill

p.p.p.p.p.s Might start referring to myself at "The Chill" because that's how chill I am right now about all life. 


Monday, 6 February 2017

The One With Marathon Prep (34 months + 26 days)

I'm about to get controversial. I can feel that I'm about to get controversial. I'm in dire need of a huge ranty outburst about some social indignation that relates to me in some manner, but I'm just not quite at boiling point yet. Does that make sense? I can't even really summarise to you what I feel the need to get on my soap box about right now (although that may be due to the summary aspect as opposed to the topic itself), I just know that I need to get it all down on paper (ha, ha, ha, or screen?) asap or my brain is going to explode.

That being said, right now I had an 8 mile training run today (#Londonround2), have just been asleep for 3 hours, have a Chemo assignment I need to start, notes to make on several chapters for Organic Synthesis before Thursday, and potentially sleep before work tomorrow. So, it is likely that right now is not the best time to unleash the psychopath within...

It is unlikely that between uni and work I am going to have time to get my crazy on prior to Thursday/Friday. So, prepare yourselves for a marathon of a post from crazy, crazy, moany, ranty, early edition Bones before she tried to pretend she was a normal functioning member of society.

In the meantime: we have a Facebook page- give us a like?



Wednesday, 18 January 2017

The One With AAAAALLLLLLLL The Pictures (34 months + 7 days)

Ok, so AS PROMISED here are two million and nine photos from when Piggly and I went exploring at the weekend. We had planned (by we, I obviously mean I) to look round more things but we'd been up v. v. v. early (2am....) revising/causing chaos (Piglet drew on my new copy of Animal Farm. I had bought it less than 24 hours before), and needed to be back in time for afternoon naps:


9am: Cheeky breakfast (breakfast is the best meal of the day, eggs for days xxxxxxx also I have no idea what has happened to my face here, I swear I have a normal shaped head)

11am: Post-metro arrival at Cullercoats/ Aquarium visit (look how pretty it is I am 2000000% going to live here)

Turtle that was surprisingly speedy for the camera:

Silver fish which may or may not be dead:

Starfish ("Mummy, look! Star!")

Bloody petrifying flat fish:

Piglet examining the bloody petrifying flat fish:

Is this real or is this fake I have no idea:

Aquarium selfie (p.s. I'm not ill, I had just ran out of fake tan. FEAR NOT I HAVE ACQUIRED SOME MORE!):


Gross worm fish:

More anemonemonomenamenes:

What I can only guess is a starfish being eaten by an anemonemonomenamene:

Otters ("Mummy, look! Cats!"):


Degus......(yes. In the aquarium. I don't know don't ask me why giant hamsters are in an aquarium)

"Awh, mummy, hamsters!"

V. dodgy pic of sealions (was so bloody cold outside absolutely no way we were staying out there longer than was necessary)

The most disgusting fish in the entire world:

Monkeys.... ("Awh, cats, mummy, cats!")

Tunnel of fish:


*Insert attempt at afternoon nap here*

Make-up artist:


I took Wiggles to this aquarium because I was told a hilarious story by someone at work that involved a fish jumping out of one of the tanks and this was something I had to witness for myself. Unfortunately, (or actually maybe fortunately- I'm not too keen on fish to be honest) all fish remained in their tanks and did not make any attempts at escaping whilst we were there.

In other unrelated pictures, here are Walter and Adelaide shockingly getting along:

Piglet having the most amazing bed hair in the world:

I had my first exam yesterday and it was quite possibly the most lovely exam I ever had (except for that maths GCSE one where I got 100%- I don't think I'll ever top that one). Also got another assignment back and had got full marks because I AM A BOSS AT TOXICOLOGY (I'm so sorry, I've booked time off work for exams so I have nobody to boast to about my achievements). I'm looking at starting a facebook page related to the blog to post mini updates (such as Piglet pressing the emergency alarm on the metro- definitely a top 10 embarrassing moment right there) but it's currently a work in progress, so I will let you all know when it's done.

BIG LOVE AND KISSES AND BRAINS XXXXXXXXX (not in a gross sense- in a metaphorical sense, obviously)