Thursday, 12 January 2017

The One With The 50,000 Word Thesis (33 months + 1 day)

Do you know what I hate most about not having enough time to blog more frequently? It's that by the time I actually get to sit down and have 10 minutes to write about our lives, I literally have enough material for a 50,000 word thesis on "The Parenting of Piglet". And I'm pretty sure that would not be interesting reading for anyone.

So, I have no idea when I last wrote. I know we had flu, however we have been ill approx. 27 times in the past 3 months, so asking me to pinpoint which illness we were suffering is far easier said than done. 

This is utter crap right now, 

Ok, I'm going to approach this like I'm writing an academic paper. Maybe that will help (THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN I HAVE LONG BREAKS FROM WRITING STUPID WORK NOT UNDERSTANDING WHAT 20 HOURS MEANS). So...whilst I might have said that nobody would want to read this.....:

The Parenting of Piglet

A child was given to an incompetent woman who could barely look after herself, let alone anyone else. Said woman wrote about her experiences as a painfully inept mother to aforementioned child on a semi-regular basis in an attempt to remain sane and hopefully help others who also suffered with the perpetual "I am not an adult yet" syndrome that she herself exhibited. Initial results indicated that the woman may step up to the mark and become phenomenal, however after a small period of failures, it appeared that the woman and the baby were destined for doom. Our latest set of results however, yields promising themes emerging in the lives of the pair, that suggest that the woman (hereafter known as Bones) and the baby (henceforth named Piglet) might actually just about survive the experiment. More data is required before we can know for sure however, and we hope to be able to collate the woman's thoughts at more frequent time intervals in the future. 

Piglet eyes
Piglet feet
Moneys? Child maintenance?
Adoption- serious consideration right now
Christmas plans
London marathon
Xmas shopping
Results and Discussion
Let us begin with the most interesting results first: Bones is a genius. After the self-confessed devastatingly poor performance in her undergraduate degree, it appears that she has finally managed to re-located her brain and is currently averaging 95% in her Masters. She is trying to be modest about the whole thing. She is failing drastically; every result she gets, she runs into work shouting "HOLLLLLAAAAAAAAAA GUESS WHO GOT 9 BAJILLION MARKS?! MEEEEEEE, ME ME MEEEEEEE".

We have identified subtlety as an area than Bones needs to spend some time developing in the future.

Whilst we are on the topic of Bones, and have mentioned work, it seems sensible to mention at this point that- once again- Bones is seeking alternative employment. We have noticed a strong correlation with the passing of 3-4 months at an establishment and the onset of Bones' "itchy feet". She currently has a new job lined up for January in a well-known coffee chain. She is unsure whether or not she is going to take it. The main motivation behind Bones' lack of job satisfaction was that it appears that management cannot count to 20; in fact, it would seem that they do not know numbers any lower than 22. As such, Bones' "20 hours work per week" were regularly 25, 27, 29, and the occasional 22.

Bones has yet to hand her notice in, because Bones is not sure if she wants to. Bones clearly still has indecisive tendencies and needs to sort this shit out soon. Although, we here believe that the most likely outcome is that Bones will attempt to juggle both jobs alongside uni and her child because- in short- she is a pleb.

Moving onto the star of the entire experiment: Piglet. Bones has been fixated on Piglet's seemingly lack of speech for far too long, and we are happy to report that Piglet is making phenomenal progress in this area. This led to Bones deciding to add an extra challenge to the table: potty training. Bones was reluctant about potty training for a while as she felt that the limited communication would be an issue, however she felt that they had reached a point where it was time to pursue the matter.

The conditioning began well; Piglet managed to do a wee on the toilet at nursery; however, 73 pairs of wee wees pants later (and one pair of pants that we do not even want to discuss), Bones decided that maybe Piglet wasn't quite ready for potty training, and so has decided to postpone the matter until after the Festive period. A different approach is being trialed, whereby Piglet is sat on the toilet every 5 minutes, but is still wearing a nappy; our conclusion from this is that Bones is a lazy mother and cannot cope with washing 73 wee wees pants per day.

....Do you know I started writing this post over two months ago? TWO WHOLE MONTHS. AND I HAVEN'T FINISHED IT/POSTED IT YET. Basically, I have no idea where I was going with all that. God, I hate not having time to write. In theory, I should have time to write, but there always seems to be a million and one things that I've put off that I need to do. Anyway, in short: that was the start of my two month old post that I have not completed. Please don't expect to see this published in any academic journals any time soon.

Do you know why I've finally made time for updating my blog? Go on. Big clue. Cheeky hint. Nudge. I have exams. I should be revising. I have been revising until my brain is dripping out of my ears at the moment, and so I feel like I want a break that doesn't involve doing the washing up. Hence: writing.

I'm not going to attempt to recap anything. Because I have no idea how much I have to say. Basically: uni is going well, nursery is going well, my time management is going well, sleep is not going well (but when is it ever?). I'm going to start off with...this morning.

I have developed a slight (major) dependence on nytol. The proper nytol. Not that herbal bullshit (it's fine- I checked on the leaflet, it says I can take it even though I'm on prozac, no drug interaction here). I have started abusing all the pharmaceuticals I can get my hands on because for some reason, my brain doesn't want to sleep. I don't know why. I don't think I'm stressed. Or maybe I'm simply so used to stress right now that I no longer am able to acknowledge the fact that I am stressed. Or maybe I'm just old and don't need sleep (this is not true- I need sleep so bad, I'm just unable to do it).

Anyway, my sleep is abysmal. So, last night I took my nytol at 8:30pm and went to bahbyes with Piggly Wiggly. And I woke up at 1am. Wide awake. No going back to sleep for me. So I had a pretty productive night revising, and then I went for a training run this morning (London marathon people- I'm in it #Londonround2) and then I had another job interview.

I think I'd mentioned in my thesis above that I had been offered a job at a coffee chain and I was supposed to be starting there at the beginning of this month. However, I turned it down. Why? Firstly it was a 0 hour contract. Which unnerved me slightly. But mostly? Because all the students went home from the pub for Christmas, and we've had a staff member off sick for a month and another one is leaving and we're only a small team and I can't leave them because I hate myself. Also, everyone seems to have big beef with the manager, but he's always really nice to me so....whatever. I was not leaving them in the shit. I didn't feel comfortable leaving at that point.

The job I had the interview for this morning, I had applied for around the same time as the coffee chain. It was for a bank. And the interview process was- to put it politely- f***ing ridiculous. Not only have I had to complete an application form, alongside my CV, followed by online assessments, I then had a telephone interview which I had to pass before I was invited for a face-to-face interview.

I'm pretty sure this was a minimum wage job. And if it wasn't minimum wage it was like barely above it.

Side note: my telephone interview was hilarious. I hadn't slept the night prior, so fell asleep in the morning and woke up to the phone ringing: 

Phone lady:"Why do you want to work for us?"
Me: "Uhm...well...just fancy a change really...uhm...yeah"
Phone lady: "Tell me how you can demonstrate the company values of PRIDE in your work?"
Me: "Uhm...yeah...just try my best. I'll just try my best. Let's leave it at that."

I have no idea how the hell I got past that phone interview.

So, proper interview was this morning. For a part-time role. I wasn't feeling it. I didn't really want to go. To be honest, I actually quite like my job at the  moment. I've got it pretty good. They're keeping me happy. Some weeks I can easily make a decent amount in tips. I can choose my weekends off. By helping out when they need me, they consider me to be a Goddess, so... Anyway, after going through my CV and sitting there sweating with nerves because I was half asleep and had done minimal preparation (hey, you're interviewing me during exam season, what do you expect?) and was really really praying that they would forget about the presentation that I had to give about one of their products because I really didn't want to do it because I hate this shit and why should I have to jump through all these hoops for a job that I am clearly more than competent to do, they then queried how work would fit around uni.

This role they were advertising for. This part-time position. Shifts were either: 9-5 Mon-Fri (1 day off) and 9-12:30 Sat OR 9-2 Mon-Fri and 9-12:30 Sat.

Yeah....that's not really part-time though is it? I said I had uni several mornings a week and they were like "Well, as long as you could do Monday, Friday and Saturday we could make that work" but I have uni those days. So I called it to a halt, made my apologies, they made their apologies, and I left without having to try to sell them their own credit card. RESULT.

Ok, now I have to revise again. Piglet has a follow up hearing test next Friday and her appointment about her feet is on the 1st Feb (was supposed to be December 7th but we might have ended  up locked inside NNB's flat that day- don't ask. Just don't). Exams are over the next two weeks so don't expect any more from me until after that point; alternatively, I might post on here every day in an attempt to avoid revision? WHO KNOWS?!

BIG LOVE TO ALL. Piggly and I are going up to North Tyneside at the weekend for a Mummy Squidge day to explore aquariums and crazy disappearing pathways and castles and things. I will take lots of pictures as an apology for having been away for so long


p.s. For anyone wondering what "Walter" refers to above, Walter is our new baby cat. Or at least he was new. Piglet follows him round everywhere going "awh, baby cat awh" and he handles it very well, it has to be said. Adelaide is slightly less keen on the arranged marriage, which I can absolutely 100% appreciate.

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