Wednesday, 8 November 2017

The One Where I Have a Test in 12 Hours (43 months + 28 days)

'Sup. It's been a while.

In case the title didn't give it away enough, I have an organic chemistry test in 12 hours. I should probably be revising. But I'm not right now because:

a) I am exhausted (see below)
b) I am freezing (see below)
c) I received some shocking news that I need to write about (see immediately below)

NNB and I (who are now living together officially fyi, although this is not going to be for very much longer- see below) had an appointment at (new) nursery this evening which we were told was related to her speech. It wasn't related to her speech- well, it was in part, but that wasn't the main issue. The main issue was her behaviour. Piglet has been pushing other children over. Piglet has been hitting other children. Unprovoked (although, would it really be better if it was provoked? Like, she shouldn't be hitting. Full stop. Can't really justify it).

I was shocked. And I was embarrassed. And I should be, because I had no idea. And this has never previously been an issue, so I didn't understand. Nursery said they were working on some behavioural techniques to quell the issue so that she didn't start school with a "bad reputation". This whole situation is just totally alien to me; I was a very well behaved child so I have no idea about this. I just don't (writing is rubbish because I haven't done it for so long and my brain is full lalalalalalalalalaaaaaaaaa).

They asked what we did at home when she misbehaved. And my response? I was honest- I don't see her anymore; NNB, you'll have to take this one.

Noticed the connection yet? I did. Straight away. They said it could potentially a cause but it was probably a mixture of many different factors and I shouldn't feel guilty about it. But, come on. Child not getting attention from parent; child misbehaves to get attention from other sources. Pretty basic psychology there, am I right?

Why do I no longer see my child? Well, because we've moved in with NNB, I am no longer entitled to anything. Which means I have to work more. I have to 25 hours a week to break even. I am not even working to give us a better life, or more paw patrols, I am literally working to stay afloat. I also have uni, obviously. I have 50 credits this semester; 50 credits equates to 500 hours of work (be that structured, assignments or additional reading). So. My average working week is 75 hours. I have had 3 days in the past 6 weeks where I haven't had work or uni. My next day off is in 3 weeks. I'm killing myself. I'm dying. It's shit.

But, all this might be worth it if everything is wonderful at home right? Are you excited to hear stories about this wonderful cosy semi-detached four bedroom house with it's huge back garden? Well, guess what, it's shit. It wouldn't be, if NNB was an ACTUAL ADULT WHO SORTED THINGS OUT LIKE YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO DO but he's not. And this is why he should never ever ever have been allowed to buy a house. We do not have a boiler. There is no functioning boiler at this property right now. It is October. No, it isn't, it's November (I don't even know what bloody month it is jesus christ I am RUINED tomorrow). No boiler. We have an electric shower, so at least I don't smell, but we have no heating. I tried to fix the boiler but I am not a plumber and nobody will speak to me about the boiler because I am not a homeowner or a tenant I am a nothing. So. I gave NNB an ultimatum (there was a list. There was a list of things that he was supposed to do/sort before we moved in- the boiler was just one of them); I said he had three days to take action on these items or I was moving out because it was not fair on me and it was not fair on Piglet to be living in the arctic AND HOW DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THAT THIS IS A PRIORITY? Have I mentioned that I've been permanently ill for the past 6 weeks? Literally one illness after another BECAUSE I AM EXHAUSTED AND FREEZING ALL THE FUCKING TIME. I'm so sick of being ill.

Anyway. He didn't do it. He didn't do anything. Actually, funny story, the day after his time limit was up and I told him I'd booked viewings he decided that he would make some enquiries to see if he could get someone to come and look at the boiler the next day... because that's how plumbers work... (it's still not sorted, there is nobody coming to look at the boiler, the boiler is dead). So, I had a look around a few flats today for Piglet and I (and Adelaide and Baby Cat). Two of them were viable; the third was far too nice- I would be absolutely terrified of touching anything for fear of it breaking. Of the two, the first is my preference because the initial costs are lower, and the second one was on a busy road and I don't really want that so...

Funny thing actually, before we went to nursery I still had this feeling that I wasn't doing the right thing; maybe I should stick it out a bit longer? Maybe I'm being unfair? I should give him a bit more time to sort the boiler out. But then Piglet is hitting. Because Piglet is feeling unloved. And now I have no doubts. I worry anyway about not being around enough. I worry that he just puts her in front of the TV and lets her watch Paw Patrol for hours. I worry that he's not making sure she brushes her teeth properly. I worry that she thinks I've abandoned her. I hate that I'm too tired to play with her. I hate that I only get to see her at 7:15am when she's screaming for me as he takes her to nursery.

This has all turned very negative and it wasn't supposed to be negative. I want to be able to be a mother to my child. I want to have the time to do that (fyi also, anybody in hospitality- never say you might be able to work both days at the weekend if you are needed; they take that to mean you will work both days every single weekend). So. New home. Again. Less work. More Piglet. Less hitting.

Ending on a positive note? I got 100% in my latest uni assignment. Aaaaaand (whilst Newcastle PhD offer is still on the table) I've seen a PhD in Cambridge that I might apply for if my self-esteem doesn't get the better of me. This is the other thing. NNB has flat out said he is not moving if I do my PhD elsewhere. And I don't want to be limited in my options. So...the new home thing is inevitable, really, isn't it? I'm just bringing everything forward a bit.

Hopefully next time I write, I'll be telling you all about life in Monkseaton and how everybody has a Rupert dog, and all the wonderful cardboard furniture I'm buying from Ikea with my new big fat credit card increase that's happening and will keep me alive until tax credits start up again.

BIG LOVE (and hot water bottles) TO EVERYONE

Les os de congelation


p.s. I'm also taking French this semester as extra credit because I'm an idiot. Mon francais est tres mauvais. Je ne suis pas tres bon. L'ordre des mots est ridicule et je ne sais jamais quand prononcer l'e a la fin d'un mot. Au reviour tout le monde!

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