Monday, 1 January 2018

The One With 2018 (45 months + 21 days)

I guess the easiest way to begin is also the most obvious:

Happy New Year!

There are numerous things to report in the World of Bones and Piglet. Many, many things to say. ALWAYS so many things to say. However, now is not the time for in-depth analyses of the previous two months of our lives. This is supposed to be a post on reflections and resolutions, as all New Years posts obviously are.

Having said that, there are a few points that I need to preface this post with... So, here goes:

Bones and Piglet are having a bit of a tough time at the moment. We're financially ruined and living on credit cards; we left NNB's house. We now live in Monskeaton. It's really lovely. I have a whole draft post with pictures and everything. But now is not the time to show you beautiful pictures of our mattress bed and Piglet's "living room" (I think because she doesn't have a bed in it, she feels it's not appropriate to call it a bedroom. Totally understand her logic, tbh).

We currently have 0p (...-0p) as tax credits/housing benefit have (at present) taken 6 weeks (and 2 days) to process our application. We should be able to last on credit cards and wages until February 1st; that is when we start seriously falling apart. Hopefully we won't have to wait that long though. But again, now is not the time to discuss finances.

I have 17 million and 1 exams to revise for (and have been drowning in assignments for what feels like forever), which is hard- for both of us. I also have PhD applications to get in (still). I managed to get two weeks off from work so we've been at my parents house for Christmas, which has been lovely, but not overly productive vis a vis uni work. But...actually maybe now is the time to talk about this.

We travelled down on the 22nd. I hadn't been sure whether or not to go via Stoke before going to my parents or after when we were leaving (so we could see Great Gran and Great Gramps and Great Nana). I can't remember why I chose what I did, but I decided that it made more sense to see all the grandparents after Christmas. Everybody told me the cat had died about 16 times in the first day. Piglet asked where the cat was. Told her he'd gone on holiday to see his cat family over Christmas. Piglet is too small for death. Thought I was a tip top mother. Gave myself a pat on the back. EXCELLENT PARENTING BONES.

It was nice. It was nice to see everyone. We had a really enjoyable Christmas. Played lots of monopoly (I lost each and every game until the one we played earlier tonight honestly monopoly hates me so much).

It was during one of these monopoly games, on the 27th December, that we got a call from my nana's neighbour saying that she'd been taken into hospital. I called the hospital. Was on hold for ages. And they couldn't find her. I just kept getting transferred to different departments and nobody could see her name and then they said to call somewhere else in like 20 minutes.

Hospitals are busy places right? It takes a while to find someone on the system, yeah?

She died. Great Nana had died. My nana had died. Before I started making phone calls, before anyone had managed to get hold of us, she had died. And my youngest sister discovered her nana had died, and my mother discovered her mother had died by the sound of me shrieking in a heap on the office floor. Which is probably not the best way to deliver bad news to somebody, if we're being honest.

I couldn't tell Piglet the cat had gone; how do I explain this to her?

I loved my Nana. She was a strong lady, my Nana was. She was with me when Piglet rolled over for the first time. She was always so happy to see us whenever we went round.

I can't remember the last time I saw her. I sent her a message the day before she passed away. But I can't remember when I last saw her. And I have guilt. And I'm sad. And I don't think I fully realise that the next time I go into that house, she's not going to be there? Because that doesn't make sense. She's my Nana. And that's her house. That's where she lives.

That's where she lived. I don't know what to say. It doesn't feel real. I feel like I should be able to come up with this amazing tribute to her, but...my brain just feels stuck.

I don't feel like reflecting on 2017 right now. But I will make resolutions. In 2018, I will make time for people. Because I don't. I work, and I study, and I train and I don't give myself time for people. I will love. I will live. I will give everything 100% but I will remember that there is more to life that numbers on papers. I will grieve. I will accept. And I will keep it all together, because I have to.

I keep thinking that I'm going to see her tomorrow. Stupid brain. Stupid world. Stupid life.

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