Do you know what's really funny? You can go for 18+ months without blogging and writing down all your feelings, and then you discover that as soon as you start again, it's literally the thing that you've been missing.
Piglet. The last thing that I wrote on here was for the parents of the world. This post is for you.
I feel like we've been struggling recently. You've been more defiant. I've been more depressed. You've been demanding more attention. I've been restricting more food. And it's only by having some sort of tragic "I'm going to try and sort myself out by looking through old blog posts" reflection, that I've realised what has actually happened.
We were a team. And we've overcome a lot worse than what's happening now (on a personal level, obviously- we've never dealt with our own global pandemic before). And reading through everything that we had done together, and everything that we had faced, and the things that we got back up from, I felt...like what the fuck is wrong with Mummy right now? We've smashed the shit out of things that have been 100 times harder than a little bit of home-school and staying 2 metres away from other people. In fact, you could argue that a few years ago, this would have been like a bloody holiday for us.
And that is when it clicked. We were a team. We don't feel so much like a team at the moment. And, I guess that's really my fault. Because I added an extra player, and everything got all muddled up, and now it feels like we're on opposing sides and it's Bones and Husband vs. Piglet.
So, Piglet. The main thing that I want to say to you right now is: I'm so, so, so, sorry. (If it is any consolation, Husband doesn't feel like he's on my team either, so you're not alone in feeling isolated.) I'm sorry that I'm not the best teacher. I'm sorry that I'm not the best friend. I'm sorry that I haven't been the best mum recently. I'm sorry I fell asleep before bedtime tonight and Husband had to read you story and not me. I'm sorry that I've been shouting, and crying, and... basically just failing you.
It is now Thursday (because Mummy only blogs at night when she should be sleeping). And I'm making you a promise. I promise that I'm going to work with you again. I'm going to be back on your team (maybe Husband can join too, because sometimes he's ok). I've woken up Piglet, and as long as we have each other, we really can do anything. Little bit of home-school? No problem. Lot of multi-tasking? Who needs sleep! Mummy's deteriorating mental health? Pff, we've got 7 leftover Prozac that Mummy found this morning.
Today, I am going to laugh with you, and I am going to give you 250000 hugs, and I am going to play dragons until I grow wings (whilst possible subtly making the dragons say things like "7 groups of ten and 4 ones makes 74"). We've got this Piglet. We're going to smash it, like we have everything else. I'm just so sorry that it took me so long to realise what had happened to us.
I love you so much. You are my world.
Mummy xxx
Thursday, 7 May 2020
Thursday, 30 April 2020
"It's ok if..." (73 months + 19 days)
Dear Parents,
I've wanted to write something about the current situation for a while, and I was kind of like... trying to do it as a "my perspective" type piece, I guess? And I wanted to discuss the challenges that I have faced, and how Piglet has been coping and.. it all sounded really shit and whiny and selfish, and I could never find the right words. So, I have this instead. And, whilst this is obviously addressed to parents, as "write what you know" and all, there's aspects of this which apply to everyone. So, I present to you: "It's ok if..."
1. It's ok if... you don't get dressed until midday.
I feel like I don't need to elaborate on this one it's pretty self-explanatory... Equally, it's ok if sometimes you just stay in your jammys all day because why not? You're not going anywhere, you were up till 4am, they're comfy, it's totally cool.
2. It's ok if... you don't know how the fuck to explain a split digraph to a 6 year old.
Yeah, I am not a teacher. I am definitely not a primary school teacher. I really, really struggle- and I guess everyone who isn't a teacher does- because these are obviously things that as an adult you do without thinking, and you need to break them down into chunks of information that your child will understand. We get there, but I don't think I'm using the correct terminology, and I'm not sure if I'm actually teaching her aspects properly or just showing her "cheat" methods for things (in maths the other day, the teacher in the lesson said find two objects that you think weigh the same and I strongly hinted at using two colouring pencils. Because it counts, ok? And it is perfectly fine). Equally, SPLIT DIGRAPH? WHERE IS THE JOY OF MAGIC E? THERE'S NO MAGIC IN A SPLIT DIGRAPH.
3. It's ok if... you can't complete a single Zoom meeting without interruption.
Piglet walked in on one I had yesterday morning wet and naked because "the shower was too hot/cold/I want a bath instead". Sometimes the interruptions are to fix Playmobil dragons 5+ times an hour. Sometimes, it's because she's being nosy. Sometimes, she just wants to give me a kiss, because this is shit for her too. Her entire world has been collapsed down to me and the cats, (and to a limited extent, Husband). And that's really shit, because I've already said I'm not a great teacher, and I am also not as fun as a 6 year old is. The cat is currently her best friend (cat tried to fight this for a while, but has since appeared to develop Stockholm syndrome and now is very accepting of the situation).
4. It's ok if... your mother would really be ashamed at the state of your house right now.
THE MESS IS MULTIPLYING AND NOTHING I DO CAN CONTAIN IT, I KEEP FINDING LEGO IN PLACES THAT LEGO SHOULD NOT BE.
5. It's ok if... you can't get anything done.
I never finish my daily to-do list, I try to teach a full school week, and I stay awake for as long as I can every night to do my work, and I try to sleep as little as possible. Don't be like me. You'll be a miserable bitch, and nobody will like you. It is impossible.
6. It's ok if... you hate your partner a little bit.
Or a lot. Husband basically at the start of this situation said that he couldn't help with home school. He had to be "at work" from 9-5 every day and essentially his job was more important than supporting me and Piglet. And at that point, I was like, well shit I'm not even going to make it to my 2 month anniversary. And he didn't get it. He was like, "well, I'll do the housework" (and that is when I learnt that what I consider a tidy house, and what Husband considers tidy house are clearly two very different things). I had a big screaming crying shouting fit after a month, and now Husband is going to take one lesson a day. That might not seem like much in the grand scheme of things, but actually it helps; not necessarily in terms of time, but in terms of... I feel less alone.
7. It's ok if... you kinda hate everyone right now.
Because, even though you definitely don't have it the worst, the grass is always greener. So, you hate single people, because look how easy their day must be, and how much they can get done (even though they have to deal with being isolated from everyone); you hate childless couples, because they aren't having the same arguments about workload distribution that you're having (even though they're probably having different arguments because being stuck inside is tough on everyone); you hate Melissa at number 42 with her perfect kid who is happy to go and independently learn, without skipping the video forward or fucking about and changing it to dragons (and you are totally entitled to your hate in that instance, all the Melissas and their perfect children can fuck right off). And then, after you've had all the hate, you get the guilt, because at least your family is (kind of) happy and healthy (excluding your rapidly impending mental breakdown), and you're all together.
8. It's ok if... you cry most days.
Because of the hate, and the guilt, and the empathy, and the sleep deprivation. I have one cry per day. That is my allowed limit. Sometimes coupled with "screaming into pillow" and/or "angry throwing bottles into the recycling bin".
9. It's NOT ok if... you feel like you're losing yourself.
And this is kind of the point that I reached this week. Where, it all got a little bit too much, and I was facing old demons that I'd already beaten, and I don't feel like fighting them again. Looking after yourself is just as important as-if not more important than- making sure your child learns and getting your work done. You do you. You're just as important as everyone else. Don't sacrifice your mental health to support other people's. Drink wine on a Monday. Go for a run. Write all your feelings in a terrible whiny rant-y blog. Whatever. Do whatever you need to do to stay sane. Because, you're no use to anybody if you fall apart right now.
Some people won't get this at all. Some people will be coping just fine. And that's great, I'm glad that you guys are doing ok. Some people will get it, and will have been saying exactly what I've just said for a while- that it's too much, it's not a realistic workload, they don't care as long as everyone is happy. And that's fine too. This post isn't really aimed at either of those groups of people.
Some people will have been struggling and feeling like absolute failures in every aspect of their lives. And that's who this is written for. It might not feel like it most days, but trust me, you're smashing it. You're amazing. You're a fucking rock star (anybody who has done a benchmark run on Nike run club knows exactly what I'm referring to there). You've been asked to do more than can ever be expected of one person, so whatever you achieve is phenomenal.
Be kind to yourself. Everything else can wait.
I've wanted to write something about the current situation for a while, and I was kind of like... trying to do it as a "my perspective" type piece, I guess? And I wanted to discuss the challenges that I have faced, and how Piglet has been coping and.. it all sounded really shit and whiny and selfish, and I could never find the right words. So, I have this instead. And, whilst this is obviously addressed to parents, as "write what you know" and all, there's aspects of this which apply to everyone. So, I present to you: "It's ok if..."
1. It's ok if... you don't get dressed until midday.
I feel like I don't need to elaborate on this one it's pretty self-explanatory... Equally, it's ok if sometimes you just stay in your jammys all day because why not? You're not going anywhere, you were up till 4am, they're comfy, it's totally cool.
2. It's ok if... you don't know how the fuck to explain a split digraph to a 6 year old.
Yeah, I am not a teacher. I am definitely not a primary school teacher. I really, really struggle- and I guess everyone who isn't a teacher does- because these are obviously things that as an adult you do without thinking, and you need to break them down into chunks of information that your child will understand. We get there, but I don't think I'm using the correct terminology, and I'm not sure if I'm actually teaching her aspects properly or just showing her "cheat" methods for things (in maths the other day, the teacher in the lesson said find two objects that you think weigh the same and I strongly hinted at using two colouring pencils. Because it counts, ok? And it is perfectly fine). Equally, SPLIT DIGRAPH? WHERE IS THE JOY OF MAGIC E? THERE'S NO MAGIC IN A SPLIT DIGRAPH.
3. It's ok if... you can't complete a single Zoom meeting without interruption.
Piglet walked in on one I had yesterday morning wet and naked because "the shower was too hot/cold/I want a bath instead". Sometimes the interruptions are to fix Playmobil dragons 5+ times an hour. Sometimes, it's because she's being nosy. Sometimes, she just wants to give me a kiss, because this is shit for her too. Her entire world has been collapsed down to me and the cats, (and to a limited extent, Husband). And that's really shit, because I've already said I'm not a great teacher, and I am also not as fun as a 6 year old is. The cat is currently her best friend (cat tried to fight this for a while, but has since appeared to develop Stockholm syndrome and now is very accepting of the situation).
4. It's ok if... your mother would really be ashamed at the state of your house right now.
THE MESS IS MULTIPLYING AND NOTHING I DO CAN CONTAIN IT, I KEEP FINDING LEGO IN PLACES THAT LEGO SHOULD NOT BE.
5. It's ok if... you can't get anything done.
I never finish my daily to-do list, I try to teach a full school week, and I stay awake for as long as I can every night to do my work, and I try to sleep as little as possible. Don't be like me. You'll be a miserable bitch, and nobody will like you. It is impossible.
6. It's ok if... you hate your partner a little bit.
Or a lot. Husband basically at the start of this situation said that he couldn't help with home school. He had to be "at work" from 9-5 every day and essentially his job was more important than supporting me and Piglet. And at that point, I was like, well shit I'm not even going to make it to my 2 month anniversary. And he didn't get it. He was like, "well, I'll do the housework" (and that is when I learnt that what I consider a tidy house, and what Husband considers tidy house are clearly two very different things). I had a big screaming crying shouting fit after a month, and now Husband is going to take one lesson a day. That might not seem like much in the grand scheme of things, but actually it helps; not necessarily in terms of time, but in terms of... I feel less alone.
7. It's ok if... you kinda hate everyone right now.
Because, even though you definitely don't have it the worst, the grass is always greener. So, you hate single people, because look how easy their day must be, and how much they can get done (even though they have to deal with being isolated from everyone); you hate childless couples, because they aren't having the same arguments about workload distribution that you're having (even though they're probably having different arguments because being stuck inside is tough on everyone); you hate Melissa at number 42 with her perfect kid who is happy to go and independently learn, without skipping the video forward or fucking about and changing it to dragons (and you are totally entitled to your hate in that instance, all the Melissas and their perfect children can fuck right off). And then, after you've had all the hate, you get the guilt, because at least your family is (kind of) happy and healthy (excluding your rapidly impending mental breakdown), and you're all together.
8. It's ok if... you cry most days.
Because of the hate, and the guilt, and the empathy, and the sleep deprivation. I have one cry per day. That is my allowed limit. Sometimes coupled with "screaming into pillow" and/or "angry throwing bottles into the recycling bin".
9. It's NOT ok if... you feel like you're losing yourself.
And this is kind of the point that I reached this week. Where, it all got a little bit too much, and I was facing old demons that I'd already beaten, and I don't feel like fighting them again. Looking after yourself is just as important as-if not more important than- making sure your child learns and getting your work done. You do you. You're just as important as everyone else. Don't sacrifice your mental health to support other people's. Drink wine on a Monday. Go for a run. Write all your feelings in a terrible whiny rant-y blog. Whatever. Do whatever you need to do to stay sane. Because, you're no use to anybody if you fall apart right now.
Some people won't get this at all. Some people will be coping just fine. And that's great, I'm glad that you guys are doing ok. Some people will get it, and will have been saying exactly what I've just said for a while- that it's too much, it's not a realistic workload, they don't care as long as everyone is happy. And that's fine too. This post isn't really aimed at either of those groups of people.
Some people will have been struggling and feeling like absolute failures in every aspect of their lives. And that's who this is written for. It might not feel like it most days, but trust me, you're smashing it. You're amazing. You're a fucking rock star (anybody who has done a benchmark run on Nike run club knows exactly what I'm referring to there). You've been asked to do more than can ever be expected of one person, so whatever you achieve is phenomenal.
Be kind to yourself. Everything else can wait.
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