Do you know what's really funny? You can go for 18+ months without blogging and writing down all your feelings, and then you discover that as soon as you start again, it's literally the thing that you've been missing.
Piglet. The last thing that I wrote on here was for the parents of the world. This post is for you.
I feel like we've been struggling recently. You've been more defiant. I've been more depressed. You've been demanding more attention. I've been restricting more food. And it's only by having some sort of tragic "I'm going to try and sort myself out by looking through old blog posts" reflection, that I've realised what has actually happened.
We were a team. And we've overcome a lot worse than what's happening now (on a personal level, obviously- we've never dealt with our own global pandemic before). And reading through everything that we had done together, and everything that we had faced, and the things that we got back up from, I felt...like what the fuck is wrong with Mummy right now? We've smashed the shit out of things that have been 100 times harder than a little bit of home-school and staying 2 metres away from other people. In fact, you could argue that a few years ago, this would have been like a bloody holiday for us.
And that is when it clicked. We were a team. We don't feel so much like a team at the moment. And, I guess that's really my fault. Because I added an extra player, and everything got all muddled up, and now it feels like we're on opposing sides and it's Bones and Husband vs. Piglet.
So, Piglet. The main thing that I want to say to you right now is: I'm so, so, so, sorry. (If it is any consolation, Husband doesn't feel like he's on my team either, so you're not alone in feeling isolated.) I'm sorry that I'm not the best teacher. I'm sorry that I'm not the best friend. I'm sorry that I haven't been the best mum recently. I'm sorry I fell asleep before bedtime tonight and Husband had to read you story and not me. I'm sorry that I've been shouting, and crying, and... basically just failing you.
It is now Thursday (because Mummy only blogs at night when she should be sleeping). And I'm making you a promise. I promise that I'm going to work with you again. I'm going to be back on your team (maybe Husband can join too, because sometimes he's ok). I've woken up Piglet, and as long as we have each other, we really can do anything. Little bit of home-school? No problem. Lot of multi-tasking? Who needs sleep! Mummy's deteriorating mental health? Pff, we've got 7 leftover Prozac that Mummy found this morning.
Today, I am going to laugh with you, and I am going to give you 250000 hugs, and I am going to play dragons until I grow wings (whilst possible subtly making the dragons say things like "7 groups of ten and 4 ones makes 74"). We've got this Piglet. We're going to smash it, like we have everything else. I'm just so sorry that it took me so long to realise what had happened to us.
I love you so much. You are my world.
Mummy xxx
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